Bleaching Hogwarts
by Tacky76
Summary: A collection of shorts on what happens when you try to clean up Hogwarts with Bleach. Just fun stuff. Pairings so far [HyorinBetty, YumiPaint, ZangShira, YachiFoy]
1. New Teacher

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 1: - New Teacher**

Albus Dumbledore, Principle of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry waited patiently. All the new first years were already sorted out into their new houses and the feast had already started in earnest. The Great Hall was alive with chatter and merriment and excited little kids. But there was still no sign of him.

"Harry." Ron asked between mouthfuls of food.

"What's up?" Harry asked.

"What'd ya reckons gonna 'appen to our Defence Against the Dark Arts classes this year?"

"There doesn't seem to be any new teachers at the teachers table although one seat's free." Hermione cut in.

"Dunno," Harry replied, "Dumbledore 'asn't told me anything 'bout it"

Dumbledore noticed the strange energy emissions getting closer to the castle and silently he smiled to himself. Just then the door swung open and there he stood.

The tall orange haired youth walked into the hall, panting as he came closer, obviously exhausted. "Yo! Dumbledore! Sorry I'm late. Ran here as fast as I could!" the youth stammered out between gasps.

"Quite alright." Dumbledore added. "Everyone can I have your attention please."

Everyone stopped their feasting and instead turned their attention to this tall youth, dressed from in some sort of black, asian styled robes and wielding a sword, strapped to his back, almost the height of his whole body.

"I'd like to introduce a new teacher in this school to you all. He'll be teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts." Dumbledore smiled. "His name is Professor Kurosaki, or as he shall be called from now on Kurosaki Sensei."

Mummers rang through the great hall. One voice noticeable to all as belong to a certain Draco Malfoy shouted out, "But he's just a kid bout my age!" Ichigo merely glared at him with that patented scowl of his.

"I assure you Mr. Malfoy that when it comes to Defense Of The Dark Arts, he is quite capable" Dumbledore countered.

Ron's curiosity got the better of him, his voice a little louder than he had intended it to be. "That's a bloody big sword!"

"Nah! I find it just right" Ichigo nonchalantly replied hefting it around one handedly to test it's weight.

The room was aghast that this young man not much older than any of their fifth or sixth year students was going to teach and even more so when he handled his oversized sword like it was a matchstick. Screams from the younger students snapped Ichigo to attention as he looked around and noticed them.

"Don't worry Dumbledore" Ichigo smiled, "I got this!"

And with that he used his shunpo(1) quickly covering the distance between floor to wall to wall to ceiling. Not many people actually saw his hand movements as he struck each target swiftly with the hilt of his sword. He landed back down in the middle of the hall and smirked.

"OH MY GOD!!" Hermione screamed, "YOU'VE KILLED ALL OUR HOUSE GHOSTS!"

"No I haven't, I've just sent them to Soul Society." He paused thinking with that frown of his, "What you people would call heaven I guess. See they're slowly disappearing."

Dumbledore slumped back down onto his chair flabbergasted until a scream from the Slytherin side of the hall forced his attention that way. A huge, double doored gate was slowly coming out of the ground and the smell of sulphur and blood permeated the air. The room temperature rose significantly as the doors swung open. Disembodied and bloodied limbs tried to fight their way out of the gate, their flesh burning and adding to the putrid odour filling the room. Some kids close to the gate screamed and fainted. A massive sword came screaming out impaling the now screaming Bloody Baron before dragging him into the gate and closing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO.. ack gurgle" was the last anyone heard of the baron before the gates fully closed and promptly disappeared.

"Except for him I suppose" Ichigo stated flatly, "He went straight to Hell!"

_HELL?... _Kids started crying and throwing up all over the place. The teachers were too astonished to say anything.

"Well let that be a first free lesson then guys." Ichigo slowly looked over all the students, "Don't do bad shit or else when you die… You go straight to HELL!"

**End**

**A/N: Gonna make more of these shorts so stay tuned. Just general Ichigo and sometimes crew mucking around in Hogwarts.**

(1) Shunpo – Flash step way to move really, really fast.


	2. First Class

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 2: - First Class**

Kurosaki Ichigo faced the door and took in a deep breath. This was his first class that he was teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts to. He had looked through some of the old texts that Dumbledore had loaned him but none of it really made any sense to him. Either way he had taken this job offer to help out Dumbledore only because he desperately needed the cash. Dumbledore had originally been impressed by his powers, or as Dumbledore preferred to refer to it as, his magical powers.

He opened the door and took his first steps into the room and his first teaching job. "Hey guys! I'm Ichigo Kurosaki, your new Defense teacher for this year. You may call me Kurosaki Sensei."

Ichigo took a quick look around the room and noted how weak and flimsy looking they were. "Must be the natural complexion for foreigners." He thought to himself.

"Okay now… Um I better take roll first" Ichigo began, reading down the list of 30 students.

"Hermione Granger"

"Here" she replied

"Ronald Weasley"

"Here"

"Neville Longbottom"

"Here"

"Harry Potter"

"Here"

"And Lastly Draco Malfoy"

"Here"

"Right, now before we begin, raise your hands if any of you guys have ever been in combat before." Ichigo asked, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to ask.

Only one hand was raised up, belonging to a certain Harry Potter. "Damn I thought Dumbledore said the magic world was used to conflict…" Ichigo thought to himself.

"Ok then, who here's been in a fight before?"

A few more hands were raised but it wasn't enough. "Right I'll guess we'll start with the basics then. Leave your stuff in here, we're going outside." Ichigo groaned silently to himself, "Newbies!" He thought to himself.

Outside in the yard, Ichigo got them all to line up single file. He walked up and down looking closely at them all, some of the girls blushed but most were just creeped out. "Damn you guys are so skinny and pale. No wonder Dumbledore wants me to teach you guys Defense."

"Ok" Ichigo swept his finger over the whole perimeter of the yard "I want you all to do ten laps of the yard."

"Do?" Malfoy asked "What do you mean 'do'?"

"Jog dammit!, Run." Remembering what Dumbledore said about his position he added, "Or you don't get your credits!"

Reluctantly they all started to jog. "So… what do you… think Harry?" Hermione whispered between breaths.

"Dunno…. Reckon e' knows 'is stuff?" Harry asked in return

"Doesn't seem… like it"

"Why don't we ask 'im" Ron interjected.

The three of them all looked at each other and shrugged. Once they finished their ten laps they sat down resting catching their breath back. Just as Harry had worked up the courage to asks their strange new DADA teacher a question, the last of the runners finally finished their ten laps. "Right!" Ichigo shouted, "Now give me a hundred push ups each!"

"Wha..What?" Malfoy spluttered "What!.. Are teaching us.. to be.. bloody.. muggle fighters .. or something?"

"Muggle? What the.. " Ichigo thought to himself.

Calmly he answered the young platinum blonde teen. "I'm teaching you how to defeat monsters and hollows."

"Hollows?" Hermione asked curiously. "Is that an Asian monster"

"No as far as I know they should everywhere?" Ichigo answered

"What other monsters can you beat?" Ron asked

"Well, I defeated Hollows, Arrancars, the occasional Vastrodes, a couple a Espada's, even a Quincy and…"

"Never heard of them" Malfoy interrupted, "For all I know you could be making it all up"

Ichigo frowned and was about to say something when Hermione came across a thought and chanced the question "Kurosaki sensei, how would you defeat a Boggard?"

"I'd chop it in the head with this" Ichigo replied bluntly waving his massive Zampaktou around

Everyone merely looked at each other quizzically, and then the questions started to come thick and fast.

"What about a Ghoul?" some girl asked

"I'd chop it in the head."

"What about a Sphinx?"

"I'd chop it in the head."

"What about a Troll?"

"I'd chop it in the head."

"What about a Fwooper?"

"I'd chop it in the head."

"Kappa?"

"I'd chop it in the head."

"Centaur?"

"I'd chop it in the head."

By now the students had noticed a pattern forming. Malfoy seeing an opportunity asked "What about a Dragon?"

"I'd chop it in the head." Came Ichigo's reply. He was quickly losing his patience here.

Malfoy continued, "But a simple sword aint powerful enough to hurt a dragon!"

"Then I'd use Getsuga Tenshou" Ichigo almost shouted.

"What the hells that?" came Malfoy's retort.

"GETSUGA TENSHOU!!" Screamed Ichigo as he swung his Zampaktou away from the students.

The students all stared wide eyed as a massive explosion erupted in a straight line across the yard. Tons and tons of earth exploded skywards as it displaced and instead there was now a massive crevice in the yard almost 300 yards long 20 yards wide and 50 yards deep.

"NOW HURRY UP AND GET DOWN AND GIMME 100!!"

**End**

**Gonna make more of these shorts so stay tuned. Just general Ichigo and sometimes crew mucking around in Hogwarts.**


	3. Meeting With Dumbledore

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 3: - Meeting with Dumbledore**

"You called for me Dumbledore sir." Ichigo asked taking a seat.

Ichigo looked around and took in the sights of Dumbledore's office. It was messy, his desk was messy, his shelves were messy and there were books and paperwork everywhere. There were jars of preserved animals and all sorts of vile looking brews sitting at the top of shelves, and weird looking apparatus similar to his chemistry class setups back at home sitting on a table next to him.

"How have you been doing so far?" Dumbledore asked.

"Not bad! They're pretty green though. Doesn't feel like a single one of 'ems been in any real fights before."

Dumbledore chuckled slightly. "No, no most… actually nearly all of them haven't."

"Why do you want them trained up for combat for?" Ichigo enquired

"Combat!?"

"Yeah, there all still kids basically, even though I'm about the same age, I was kinda forced into combat… Not really my favourite thing really."

"Combat!??"

"Yeah isn't that what this Defense thing is? How to defeat monsters and such?" Ichigo asked curiously.

"Well Yes, I suppose it is.." Dumbledore stammered. "You see, there's this evil man right now, he's going around the country killing everyone who stands in his way."

Ichigo frowned. "So why don't you just kill him?"

"It's not that simple. You see," Dumbledore made a steeple with his hands, looking very much like he was thinking something over. "You see, he's got a whole group of followers under him, and some are quite powerful and he's always in hiding striking only when he needs to."

"Hmm…" Ichigo's frowned, knitting his eyebrows almost into one. "Sounds a lot like someone I know. Aizen was the bastards name!"

Dumbledore frowned as well for some reason and he seemed to be lost in thought. And then it happened.

Ichigo looked around and he recognized this topsy turvy world instantly. "Old man!!" He called out. "Did you call me for something?" Looking around he finally rested his eyes on a figure clinging desperately onto the side of a building.

"Dumbledore sir, what are you doing in here?"

"Here? Where's here Ichigo?" Dumbledore replied "And how can you stand like that?"

To Dumbledore it looked a lot like Ichigo was standing parallel to the ground, planted firmly to the side of a tall skyscraper. Everywhere he looked was more of these large skyscrapers everywhere.

"So this is what I must've looked like before." Ichigo thought to himself.

"Well sir, your in my mind." Ichigo replied. "Actually sir, how did you get into my mind anyway?"

For a minute Dumbledore looked up at Ichigo guiltily and thought maybe the truth would serve him better here. "Well you see Ichigo, I tried to use a Legilimens charm on you."

"L..L.. Leg…Legi.. Legless what?" Ichigo stuttered.

"Legilimens charm. It's a form of mind reading by delving into your mind and memories and emotions."

"Man, you're crazy to attempt that to Shinigami!" and as if on cue a tall familiar man appeared beside Ichigo.

Ichigo instantly recognized the unshaven visage and the tinted prescription sunglasses. "Zangetsu old man, long time no see!"

"Ichigo, shall I kill this intruder? He has tried to trespass into your mind." was Zangetsu usual emotionless response.

"Nah. It's alright. He's just trying to get some help from me to kill this evil bastard running around his countryside, with a bunch'a evil goons killing innocent people"

"So why haven't you tried to kill him yet?" Zangetsu asked a poor Dumbledore, "And for god's sake stand up man!"

Flustered Dumbledore settled for sitting and hanging onto one of the window ledges just like Ichigo use to do not so long ago. His wand was not with him in this world and if this was Ichigo's reality he was unsure whether it would work anyway. "Well we have tried, several times actually." Dumbledore began. "but he's cunning and he always seems to escape. In fact he's died a few times already, but his henchmen keep resurrecting him."

Ichigo thought about this for a while and then his face brightened, (well, as much as a full time scowler can brighten anyway) ,when an idea struck him.

"Dumbledore sir, you have got to meet an acquaintance of mine."

Dumbledore merely raised an eyebrow to this.

"Well, see" Ichigo explained, "when it comes to death and the afterlife, I'm kinda like an expert."

"Please, Go on…"

"Well, this acquaintance of mine see, he's a Quincy… A Destroyer… see they destroy souls so if this evil guy gets killed by him, his soul dies permanently. No Soul Society, no heaven, no hell and absolutely no resurrection. Simple really!"

Dumbledore look shocked! "He can do that?" he asked almost in disbelief.

"Yeah, seems that's the only thing he can do really, destroy souls"

"And you could get him to help us?"

"Sure, I guess though the bastards a bit of a jerk sometimes"

As they left his mind two thoughts crossed Dumbledore's mind, "Don't mind read Shinigami" and "Quincy, a Destroyer!"

**End**

**Gonna make more of these shorts so stay tuned. Just general Ichigo and sometimes crew mucking around in Hogwarts.**


	4. Love At First Sight

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 4: - Love At First Sight**

Toshiro Hitsugaya walked briskly, stride for stride with Albus Dumbledore. His boyish looks and mane of silver hair drew plenty of attention from those they passed. His large, blue eyes exuded a confidence beyond his physical age and created a certain sexiness that did not go unnoticed in a school full of adolescent teens.

"Thank you for showing me around Mr Dumbledore." Toshiro began. "You really didn't need to do so personally sir."

"No, no Captain Hitsugaya. The pleasures all mine." Dumbledore replied.

"I'm eternally grateful for the permission to visit your esteemed academy. But I do not wish to take up too much of your time. I am after all only here to report on Ichigo."

"Indeed, it is my pleasure." Dumbledore remarked coyly, "after all I do hope that Soul Society and Hogwarts can become good friends" he smiled.

Being accustomed to diplomacy, Toshiro smiled and merely nodded his agreement and allowed Dumbledore to continue showing him the whole Hogwarts campus.

It was hours later at the Great Hall during dinner that Toshiro finally met up with Ichigo. Over a cup of pumpkin juice and dinner they spoke. "So how are the classes going Ichigo"

"Not bad, but I had to start them all on basic training" Ichigo replied.

"Basic training?"

"Yeah! You should see the arms on these guys, I don't think any of 'em could even hold a 5 pound dumbbell let alone a real weapon. You should see the sticks they train with!" Ichigo rolled his eyes in disgust.

Toshiro cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "I think you missed the whole point of this school. I think I may have to bring Kuchiki-san in to help you"

"Rukia?"

"Yes" Toshiro said thoughtfully. "She at least can use Kidou(1)"

"Nah! Dude, I'll be fine by myself… really!" Ichigo started to scowl. Who was this kid to tell him he needed help teaching defensive skills to a bunch of amateurs.

Toshiro thought about this for a while before he spoke. "I'm here for a month. In that time I'll see how you do before I make my final recommendations."

"Suit yourself" was Ichigo's offhanded reply.

Toshiro looked down at his new Rolex™ wrist watch that Rangiku Matsumoto had given him for his birthday before quickly getting up and walking out towards the large exit. "I have something to do now." He stated over his shoulder. "And Ichigo… It's not _Dude_, it's Captain Hitsugaya!"

2 weeks passed in relative peace, as Toshiro sat in Ichigo's _classes_ and took notes on his teaching methods for his report to Soul Society. It was during one of these classes that Ichigo noticed a tall, filthy looking giant of a man at the door, motioning to Toshiro. Ichigo recognized him straight away as Rubeus Hagrid, better known as simply Hagrid, the games keeper and teacher of Care of Magical Creatures class.

A mummer ran through class as Toshiro bade his leave and left with the giant, who was chatting amicably with him.

"There awful close, don't you think?" one of the girls in the class whispered.

"Do you reckon they're…" came another voice from the back.

Restlessness took hold of the classes as whispered conversation took place. Soft Oooooohs and squeals could be heard and Ichigo finally had to bring the class back to attention. "What's all this about!" Ichigo demanded.

The class looked at one another before one Ron Weasley finally spoke. "Well, you see, there's been rumours goin' 'round 'bout yer cap'n there."

"Rumours?" Ichigo's curiosity getting the better of him.

"Seem's, yer cap'n been see'n a lot'a 'agrid lately. A lot as in every night without fail. 'e's been visit'n 'agrids cabin… _alone_"

Ichigo raised one eyebrow to this in surprise. And as if a bottle of champaigne was shaken and uncorked the comments started fountaining out from around the room.

"I heard someone say there've been taking walks together through the forest!" one boy almost shouted.

"Some of the 7th year students thought they heard screams and shouting from the forest at night!" another girl added.

"It's always the quiet, serious ones that surprise you."

"Ooohhh that's soooo sweet" from an obvious fangirl.

"The cabins always locked now for some reason"

Ichigo looked on shocked hearing all this, but things turned for the worse when Harry Potter stood up and said, "We saw'em walk out of the forest one night, when I went to visit Hagrid. Me, Hermione and Ron. They saw us approach and your captain, he looked like he was all flushed and his face…you shoulda seen it. It was redder than a strawberry!"

Class ended not long after and Ichigo silently resolved to get to the bottom of this. If anything, he thought, it would make great blackmail material for when he got back to the normal world.

It was late into the night when Ichigo finally made his way to where he knew Hagrid's cabin to be. Hiding his spirit energy he quickly searched for what he knew would be Toshiro's spirit energy. Then in one smooth shunpo (2) he reached the clearing in the forest where Hagrid and Toshiro were. What he saw left him speechless.

Hagrid and Toshiro spun around shocked and tried in vain to hide what was happening. Of course it was impossible to hide. Behind them a huge Hungarian Horntail Dragon was… _purring…_ and coiling itself around a rather large Ice Dragon, - Hyorinmaru. "That's sick!" Ichigo almost choked.

Angered Toshiro came to his Zanpaktou's defense. "Look it's not my fault alright! Hyorinmaru's at that age in life right now!"

"Urrgh!" Ichigo spluttered. "So… um… you've been bringing him here… every night… to um… get frisky with…"

"Betty!" Hagrid added, trying to be helpful. "'er names Betty."

"…Betty" Ichigo continued. "I see"

"Look Ichigo, when Dumbledore was showing me around, Betty kinda appeared out from the forest and… well… Hyorinmaru disobeyed me and kinda just… manifested." Toshiro really could get extremely red. "And they've been like that ever since."

"And so you just let him be…"

"You ever tried going to sleep when your Zanpaktou is bugging you or sighing or…uggh.. playing with itself!"

"That's gross!" A thought crossed Ichigo's mind then, "Um Toshiro, isn't a Zanpaktou supposed to be a reflection of your soul?"

"Hey at least Hyorinmaru's got a girlfriend!!" Angry, the child within Toshiro took control of his mouth. He pointed a finger at Ichigo. "AND AT LEAST I DON'T GO WALKING AROUND WITH AN OLD DECREPIT VIRGIN MAN STRAPPED TO MY BACK!!!"

**End**

**A/N: Gonna make more of these shorts so stay tuned. Just general Ichigo and sometimes crew mucking around in Hogwarts.**

(1) Kidou – Bleach version of spells, minus the wand but with a stupidly long incantation unless you were stupidly powerful like Kuchiki Byakuya.

(2) Shunpo – Flash step, again that really, really fast movement thing all the bad ass Shinigami do


	5. Love At First Sight II

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 5: - Love At First Sight II**

Yumichika Ayesegawa, had received a strange visit one night, from a creature he recognized as an Owl. Startled he reacted as any sane, self respecting 11th Division officer would, dissecting the owl cleanly down it's height. So clean and quick was the cut that no blood fell from the poor owl and as Yumichika gingerly carried it outside. Looking at his handiwork he smiled and sigh, "_Beautiful_".

Looking down he noticed that there seemed to be a message attached to the birds feet, but this form of messaging hadn't been utilized in hundreds of years at Soul Society. Curiously he opened the message and read it.

_To Anyone At Soul Society Interested_

_Good day sirs/madams._

_My name is Professor Albus Dumbledore, Principle at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Currently one of your members, Ichigo Kurosaki is teaching out our illustrious academy. _

_We will be holding a ball in one weeks time, celebrating Valentines Day. I would like to take this opportunity to invite yourself, and any members of Soul Society to come join us in our festivities and hope to further strengthen the bonds between our establishments, as friends and allies._

_The occasion will be marked by a grand feast starting at 7pm and will proceed to formal ballroom dancing to finish off the night._

_We hope you can attend and celebrate the occasion with us_

_Yours truly,_

_Albus Dumbledore._

_PS. This is Ichigo here, not a bad translation into Japanese hey! Just one last thing I got to remind you about, Valentines day is all about love so everyone who to the party's got to be dressed up all nice and pretty. See you there! _

_PPS. Send a return reply with the Owl and address it to me with a number telling us how many turn up to reserve seats._

Yumichika grinned, he didn't know what was going on, nor what Valentines day was but he did know it was a party and it was _expected _of them to turn up _pretty_. Pretty to Yumichiki equated to beautiful and beautiful, equated to fun. So the next day he produced the letter at the Captains and Vice Captains meeting. Discussions were heated and surprisingly a lot of those present wanted to go. But stern faced 1st Division Captain, the aging Genryuusai Yamamoto stroked his long, waist length beard and declared, "I will let 10 people attend. You may take your time deciding who that ten will be among yourselves."

Nodding to Yumichika, the old captain sighed, "Because you have killed the only means of communications with Hogwarts, I will send you there personally to tell the principle that we will be sending 10. You will report to Captain Hitsugaya there and then to Principle Dumbledore then return. Is that understood."

"Ooohh… Yes" he replied excitedly.

The gateway appeared in an empty hallway inside the large castle. As Yumichika stepped out he looked around at the rich red carpet runners and the plethora of paintings adorning the walls. 'It's not bad, a bit dated but not bad' he thought to himself, but one particular painting stole his attention. As he walked up to it he couldn't help but exclaim "She's Beautiful!" as he gingerly ran a finger over it, feeling the texture of the paint.

The picture blushed and moved away from his finger startling him for a second. "Your pretty good looking yourself gorgeous…" the painting replied.

He looked on in wonder at the painting of a beautiful brunette, lounging on a plush sofa, holding in one hand a cabaret mask with a huge peacock feather coming off one eye of the mask. He was stunned, after all, when an artist paints, he can paint a picture as beautiful as his imagination and talent will allow him. Obviously this artist had a soul like his.

"You are too beautiful to be cooped up in some musty old castle like this!" He caught himself, realizing, that he was holding a conversation with a painting. Still he'd seen weirder things happens.

She giggled, "Your pretty forward for a young one. Pretty good looking as well. It's a shame I'm too old for you."

"I'm over 200 years old"

"Ooohh" She seemed to perk up. "You sure keep your age well…"

"You don't look older than 18 yourself" he chirped.

"Your just saying that…" she squealed in delight at the attention and the compliment. "I love your eyebrow"

Yumichiki genuinely smiled, he had lived too long with people who could never understand or appreciate beauty. Here he had finally met a kindred soul. "I love your mask. I just love peacocks. Aren't they just the most wonderful creatures!"

"Oh absolutely!" She smiled at him then sighed longingly. "If only I had met you when I was alive…."

"That's ok." Yumichiki sighed, "I'm dead myself."

"Really?" She looked at him in surprise.

"Well there's one thing I learnt while dead," he paused for a grin, "… and that is true beauty never dies."

She stared at him longingly. He felt a hint of pride when he noticed her eyes traveling over him, taking him into them, hungrily. He was finally being acknowledged for what he knew he was. He knew what he wanted now as he spoke up. "Why don't you come to my house, you'd love it. You should see the way I've decorated it. But you _must_ tell me where you got that couch from! It looks heavenly!"

"Why I'd love to!" She answered quicker than she intended.

As he took the painting off the wall and opened the gate to Soul Society with his Zanpaktou he turned to look into her longing eyes. Over the ruckus created by the other pictures screaming 'Thief' and other such profanities, the two oblivious to them all stepped through the gate and one question could be heard as the gate slowly dematerialized.

"So, does this beauty have a name?"

**End**

**A/N: Hi guys and thanks to everyone who reviewed. I just want to apologize in advance cos I'm gonna concentrate on some of the other characters for a few shorts and less Ichigo. Please keep reading and reviews would be appreciated. Sorry if it's a bit fluffy this time round, I opted for wry humour instead of slapstick.**


	6. If At First You Don't Suceed

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Short 6: - If at first you don't succeed…**

Kenpachi Zarachi was not happy. His 5th seated officer had gone off on a mission and returned very different. He had also failed the mission and as his commanding officer he was ordered to complete it for him. Even after all the weak apologies and an offer to redo the mission, he had still felt like killing the narcissistic bastard. Deciding against that, due to the man's long service to him and due to the constant insistent badgering from his vice captain, Yachiru Kusajishi, he had relented.

His tiny, infantile vice captain was ecstatic that she would finally get to visit this, _Hogwarts_, that she instantly opened a gate and dragged him through. Trusting in her sense of direction, they had materialized in some strange forest, the target castle illuminated in the low moonlight … off in the distance. Her pink hair bobbed excitedly as she sat on Kenpachi's broad shoulders, pointing, "This way!"

Kenpachi knew better than to follow, but something about her forbid him ever to disagree. And so it was that after 3 hours trudging his way through the forest that he was not happy, he was lost. "Damn more of the bastards!" he cursed.

He had killed more giant spider things and half man half horse things than he cared to remember. He'd even killed a couple of one horned horses just in case, after all Yachiru had managed to catch it and was playing with it, heaven knows it might have been a dangerous beast.

He was not happy. As he cut a massive swath through more of these spider things, felling trees and getting drenched in all manner of blood and bodily fluids, he thought to himself, "Man if only these things were stronger then at least I'd have a bit of fun."

Yachiru ran back to him from some distance, squealing in delight. "Ken-chan, Ken-chan!" she exclaimed. "Come play with Snakey-chan, come, come!" excitedly dragging him by the hand.

They ran some distance as Kenpachi wiped the giblets of spider off on his hakama before reaching a marsh clearing. The foggy mist swirling slowly near the ground as a large, hooded, snake like humanoid hissed at them. "Snakey-chan!!" Yachiru shouted, "Play with Ken-chan pleaaaaase!!!"

"Sssooooo" it hissed, "you aaaarrrreeeee the powerful one!" Pausing as if to catch it's breath it eyed Kenpachi warily from underneath it's hooded face.

"Why don't you join me…. And… together…"

"I don't join no one!" Kenpachi sneered at this new opponent. He wasn't good at detection but there was a spirit force emanating from the guy. "My question to you is, do you just look like a beast, or do you fight savagely like one too?"

The being looked shocked at the nonchalant way this giant man had said that. He was unused to such a reaction from the people he generally met. He watched on as the man slowly raised his long sword and swung it, in a smooth arc to the side of him. He watched horrified as the death eaters he had hidden in the forest behind him gurgled and spewed forth blood, as the top half of their bodies slid off the bottom half. They all crumpled down and death rattled in a pool of there own blood. All around him the tree's did likewise, falling down in a clean swath. "Avada Kedavra!" He screamed pointing his wand at the man monster before him.

Kenpachi watched on a spirit force erupted from the tip of that man's weapon and struck him in the chest. He laughed, "When two spirit forces collide, the one with the most spirit force wins you moron!" Looking down he noticed the man had vanished.

No trace of spirit force was left in the area, so, disappointed he scratched his chest feeling the warm glow of where he had been struck and continued on into the night. That's how he found himself, eventually under a massive tree, preparing to make camp. The tree however did not take kindly to him and promptly started to beat him with it's massive branches. Kenpachi did not take kindly to the tree and drawing his sword, he decided that they had need of more firewood and matchsticks for after their meal. Yachiru was watching all this dancing around and laughing with a mad glee.

Morning came and Zenpachi smiled. They were a lot closer to the castle than they thought now that he was able to see it under the glare of sunlight. They walked up to gate, with Yachiru hugging the back of head like a diaper, and pushed the grand double doors open. He strutted into a room full of kids and teens, in the middle of breakfast it seemed. At the end of the hall sat a large oak table where the only adults visible were seating eating. "Ichigoooooo!!" Yachiru lunged off Kenpachi and ran to the young Shinigami Leaping onto his back. He was by now choking on his breakfast. "This place is soooo much fun Ichigo!!!!"

The students all looked up to see a tall, muscular man striding in, his body covered in blood and offal, his robes, shredded and disheveled and he carried with him a strong stench of blood. His eye patch made him look menacing and the scar across his other eye only reinforced that. "What the hell are you looking at!" he glared menacingly around the room tapping his long sword against his shoulder.

All the students turned their heads down and found interesting things to look at in their breakfasts. "And you are..?" Dumbledore asked nervously.

"Kenpachi Zaraki. Came here to telll ya Soul Societies coming to the party. 10 of us!" Eyeing the old man suspiciously he asked "And you are?"

"Principle Albus Dumbledore."

"Good! Damn missions completed now!"

To this Dumbledore weakly nodded. "Would you like some breakfast?"

He smiled remembering he hadn't eaten yet, so he walked over to a free seat in the corner next to some platinum blonde kid. Then remembering that Captain Yamomoto had instructed him to be polite, he grabbed a whole leg ham, turned to the kid and smiled a toothy smile, as best as he could smile, from ear to ear.

Draco Malfoy was not happy.

**End**

**A/N: Thanks for all the kind reviews. This time I decided to get back to slapstick with a side dish of irony. Hope you like it.**


	7. Lessons About Love

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

_**Please Read and Review**_

_**The alerts seem to be down so just a message saying I generally update this series about once or twice per day! The joys of working from home!**_

**Short 7: - Lessons About Love**

The Shinigami guests arrived a day early in anticipation for the great Valentines day ball. Not fully understanding what Valentines day was or what it celebrated, Dumbledore had put together a special class for his guests lectured by none other than Hermione Granger. Hermione was the natural choice to give this lecture, being the smartest girl in the school, young and very much well informed about the traditions of Valentines day.

Standing in front of the class in the small lecture hall that they had usually used for Transfiguration classes, she looked at her _students_ with a slight trepidation. They were mostly all older than her with the exception of a few. She mentally eyed the room over naming off each student as she went recording each on in that sponge-like mind she had. Kurosaki-sensei, Rukia Kuchiki, Renji Abarai, Toshiro Hitsugaya, Momo Hinamori, Rangiku Matsumoto , Byakuya Kuchiki, Kenpachi Zaraki, Yachiru Kusajishi, Shuuhei Hisagi and Mayuri Kurotsuchi. A total of eleven people were here, ten guests and her Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and he was anything to judge his peers by…. She could feel a sweat drop forming at her temples.

Dumbledore had given her a quick lesson on their customs and expected behavior so as to not offend the guest. So with much anxiety she began with a bow. "Esteemed guests and Kurosaki sensei. Today I shall endeavor to explain to you all the purpose and traditions behind Valentines day." That seemed to go well she thought considering no one had tried to kill her yet.

The speech went well, she had covered what love was, the history of valentines day, the giving of gifts and the meaning of that age old Valentines Day question, 'Will you be my Valentine?'. She was quite proud that all had went well so far, even considering the gaggle of giggling girls out side staring at certain captains in the room. It was the boys outside ogling Rangiku that annoyed her and even worse the woman was even encouraging it, constantly stretching and adjusting herself during her speech. Then came the question of dates.

Hermione speech continued regardless, "At Hogwarts on Valentines Day, boys will generally give a gift, usually a card and, or flowers. But the gift can also be chocolates, jewellery etc... to the girl that they like and ask them to the ball as their date.."

"Hang on! That's wrong!" Ichigo chimed in, "It's the girls that give boys the gifts."

"No. Generally it's the boys that have to give girls the gifts on Valentines day!"

"Not where I come from!" Ichigo pouted.

"Where's that?"

"Japan"

"That's not very chivalrous, it's supposed to be a man's job to ask a girl out. You can't really expect a girl to make the first move can you!" The girls in the class all nodded their heads in agreement. Seeing this, Hermione's courage increased a little. "What kind of a man can't work up the courage to ask a girl out on a date to a ball?"

"Ichigo's just afraid because he's still just a little boy!" Rukia pretended to do a stage whisper to Hermione. This drew more nods of agreeance from the female audience in class.

Ichigo was furious at he jibe. "I'm not afraid… There's just no one here worth asking!!" By '_here_' Ichigo had meant Hogwarts, the class had taken it to mean the room.

"Hit him!" Rangiku shouted, at the same moment Ichigo lay sprawled on the floor with an egg shaped lump, growing slowly from his head.

"Kurosaki never learns does he." Toshiro sighed.

Momo leaned over to him slightly, oblivious to his rising blush. "Not everyone can be as smart as you, Shiro-chan." She said innocently.

"Aww.. look he's soo cute when he's red." Ranjiku leaned over purring. Outside the window some boy fell off his broomstick.

"Ha!" Renji laughed, "Someone here's whipped!"

"I think it's so sweet Renji" Rukia coming to her friends defense. Renji was stuck for words to counter Rukia. Maybe there could a chance for him after all.

"No wonder you've never had a date" Ranjiku mischievously added.

"What was that bitch!!" Renji, his pride hurt had stood up and slammed his hand down on the table loudly.

"Watch your manners Renji. Don't make such a scene of yourself" Byakuya scolded.

Seeing the situation deteriorate and the fear draining Hermione's complexion, Shuuhei sort to ease the tension diplomatically. "I am sorry Granger-kun, my friend here always calls them that. It is nothing new and merely habit and a… different form of affection."

Ichigo rubbing his sore head as he got up muttered under his breath, "But I can see why he says that, damn that hu.."

Before he could finish his sentence a sharp eared Rukia, reintroduced him to Mr. Timber Flooring, again. Shuuhei tried to further help the situation, "Um… Granger-kun, so basically the mission is to give a gift to a _someone_ and ask them to this _ball_. Am I correct?" He tried to remain neutral.

Hermione merely nodded. "YAY!! I wanna go to the ball Ken-chan" Yachiru excitedly squealed tugging at her captains sleeve. Kenpachi merely grunted at her, the closest thing to agreeing for the man mountain.

Hermione finally found her voice again, if not a bit squeakier than normal. "Um.. Zaraki-san, um it's generally you don't ask family on dates…" His anger flared up in his eyes, so did his reiatsu causing all the windows to exploded outwards. There was going to be a few more boys at Madame Pomfreys, getting treatment for falls now!

No one was going to be dating his '_little girl,_ Kenpachi thought to himself, "She's barely 100 years old, she's still too young!"

Hermione quickly tried to save her now precarious life, "…B..But family can chaperone." This seemed to soften him a little. Pity the boy who has to take the little pink haired she-devil she thought quietly to herself.

"This human emotion of love and act of dating serves me no purpose whatsoever." Byakuya merely commented.

"I disagree." Mayuri stated without looking up from what he was doing, much to the surprise of everyone.

He continued to take notes on his pad, "_This emotion called love and dating seems to have quite an impact. It's seems capable of creating irrational and violent behavior. It's effects can be quite devastating. Memo:- Must look into possible applications for combat and war._"

**End**

**A/N: Thanks to all the kind reviews. Any ideas or suggestions post em up and I'll get round to em.**


	8. Finding Dates I!

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kibo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- New to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Sorry bout this guys and girls but I'll be doing a few shorts (roughly 3 or 4 I can think of) on them finding dates for the ball so um if you don't like a bit of fluff (funny fluff anyway) much apologies and bear with.**

_**The alerts seem to be down so just a message saying I generally update this series about once or twice per day! The joys of working from home!**_

**Short 8: - Finding Dates I !!**

Toshiro Hitsugaya paced the hallway briskly. All this talking about dates and Valentines day was unnerving to him, after all, what did he know about the subject. He was still too young being nearly, but not quite 100 years old yet after all! He wondered if maybe he should ask his vice captain, Rangiku Matsumoto to be his date as she couldn't possibly refuse and he could always make it an order.

As he walked around thinking to find her he was ambushed… by a mob of teenage girls in Hogwarts Uniforms.

"Hitsugaya-san!" Obviously they had been pre informed of the proper form of address, by Dumbledore no doubt.

"Hitsugaya-san! Are you looking for a date?"

"Are you available?"

"Do you have any brothers?"

The questions came at a furious pace. The grabbing and jerking and pulling, this way and that way, and the doey eyed looks he was getting was confusing his sense. He had faced Arrancars and Hollows, but he was being brought down low by the hormones of a herd of fangirls. The amount of blood rushing to his face must be the reason why his body felt so weak, he was sure of it! And then he was saved.

"Guess who?" came the familiar voice from behind him as his eyes were suddenly covered by warm hands. He didn't need the voice to know who it was, nor the distinctive smell of that perfume, the feel of soft mounds of flesh burying his head so hard he could hear heartbeats gave it away.

"Matsumoto… Please release me…" he stated calmly.

"Oh.." she exclaimed as she drew back and stood in front of him, "and how would you like that done?" she asked batting her impossibly long lashes.

The temperature in the area dropped 10 degrees. It wasn't Toshiro's doing either, as all the girls had suddenly gone quiet, fixing death stares at the rather voluptuous vice captain. Toshiro had made up his mind and was about to ask Rangiku when he spied out the corner of his eye the figure of a small girl in the distance walking, followed by a taller young man with rusty coloured hair.

He walked off after her, not quite sure why he was feeling a little bit miffed when he saw her being presented with a bunch of flowers, a card and a thin, gift wrapped box of sorts. He quickened his pace all the while being followed by his fan mob. As he approach he saw them laughing and talking. He had finally gotten close enough to hear their conversation. "I'm so grateful to you, I'm so 'appy that you agreed!"

"Sorry …." Toshiro stared at the boy, "You are?"

"Ron Weasley sir" He seemed to look around and looked down at his feet his face turning beet red. Guilt painted in big bold letters above him.

"I'm sorry, Ron Weasley, but Hinomori here is not available."

Momo Hinamori cocked her head and looked inquisitively at Toshiro. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath before beginning his spiel, "Yes that's correct. I had already asked her, yesterday, remember?" He opened his eyes at looked at Momo pleadingly, trying to get her to play along.

"…Yesterday…" she looked uncertain, "…for…" she puzzled over what the young captain was getting at.

"The date, to the ball tonight." Toshiro slightly turning pink. "You agreed to join me remember."

"Oh that.." a look of mischief flashed through her dark eyes, "I remember I said I'd come if…" she paused to revel in the look of surprise on Toshiro's face, "…if you got me a present!"

Toshiro thought a little on this. Then in a swift motion he drew his Zanpaktou, to the surprise of all, and fashioned in his palm a single rose of ice. Long and slender and half blooming, he held it gently just under the two ice leaves formed mid stem and handed it to her. The aww's coming from his entranced audience turning him a cherry tomato red.

Momo accepted the gift gingerly, turning a matching shade to her lifelong friend. Then shyly smiling at him she said, "Excuse me for a quick second."

She walked over to Rangiku and handed her the flowers, card and boxed gift she had received from Ron and said in a loud voice so all present could hear, "Ron asked me to give these to you as he's too shy to do it himself. He would also like to ask you to be his date for tonight's grand ball and would be honoured if you could accompany him.

There were two boys now who had found out that their feet was the most anatomically interesting thing in the universe to ponder on.

**End**

**A/N: Someone owes me lotsa reviews now P . Please keep reading I love you all! Decided on situation comedy for this one! What do you think?**


	9. Finding Dates II!

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- Not new but not old to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Two chapters updated at once today!!**

**_The alerts system seem to be down so just a message saying I generally update this series about once or twice per day! The joys of working from home!_**

**Short 9: - Finding Dates II !!**

Shuuhei Hisagi didn't know what was wrong. He had privately asked Hermione after the class, for advice on getting a date and she had given what he thought was very good advice. Soul Society didn't have a curriculum on sex education, after all, it wasn't the most important topic to teach when facing hollows. He had taken her advice seriously and had tried his best. Although the that fact she couldn't look him face to face seemed to be disconcerting.

Dressed in something she called a _'Tuxedo_', he was busy walking the hallways of Hogwarts. She had assured him his jagged, black hair and athletic build looked fine in the tuxedo. Confident, he decided to complete this date mission….thing.

He saw and approached a group of girls, carrying fresh flowers and a box of chocolates. But before he could even open his mouth, they took one look at him and run off. "Pervert!" he heard them call out.

Perplexed, he closed his eyes and steadied himself. 'You can try a witty pick up line to attract a girls attention before asking her to the ball' he remembered her saying. He thought to try that approach next. Walking casually up to a blonde 4th year he smiled and said in the most casual voice he could muster, "If you were a hollow, I'd let you eat me…"

The girl turned around and slapped him. Screaming "Damn lolli-pedo pervert!!" before storming off!

Stunned, he didn't understand her reaction. He thought the line was fairly funny and complementary, after all, it was a Hollows dream to eat a Shinigami. He really didn't understand these humans.

'People can meet by accidents too, sometimes merely bumping into someone can lead to friendship or more' Another piece of advice he remembered.

Stepping cautiously up to the good looking asian student, he tripped purposely, and while toppling over he grabbed her and was careful to land underneath her, to absorb the impact and not hurt her. "Sorry about that! It was an accident. By the way my…." His sentence was cut short by the line of dribble landing on his face. He hadn't thought of putting away his Zanpaktou before doing this, and it had now stood vertical, rammed hard against the girls body, which was making a fairly good impression of a tent on it.

"Aaarrrggghhh!!!" A girl shrieked. "Cho! Are you ok speak to me" The new girl came running down the narrow hallway fixing him with an evil glare. Looking the asian girl over, she mumbled something about 'broken ribs' and 'unconscious' before carrying her off.

Dejected he wandered the hallways, carrying his broken flowers and crushed chocolates. He had tried to approach a few more girls but they either looked at him and ran off screaming or blushed heavily and said they were already going with someone else. He'd even tried bribery, "I'll give you these if you come with me tonight." But that had earned him even more scolding and shout's of 'not being cheap' or some such statement to that effect.

He was about to give up. This date thing was hurting his ego immensely. Sitting down on a bench outside the castle he tossed his chocolates and flowers into a bin next to him and murmured to himself, "This missions too hard."

Closing his eyes, he was suddenly shaken out of his reverie by a young girl with shoulder length, dirty blonde hair. He noticed her sitting down beside him, some sort of stick behind her ear and a necklace made of some sort of weird bottle top. "Hi! I'm Luna Lovegood." She gazed at him through grey eyes which seemed to focus beyond him.

"Shuuhei Hisagi" he answered

"I've been watching you. You really try too hard." She gave him a weak smile.

"I do?"

"Yes, You should be more natural and less forced. Be yourself!"

"Be.. myself" he repeated as if tasting the words for the first time.

"What's that tattoo on your face mean?" pointing to the large '69' tattooed on his cheek.

"This," He said pointing to his cheek, "Kidou, this is my favourite technique."

She turned a weird look on him and half blushing, half confusing. "Technique?"

"Yes, Kidou, it's similar to your magic." He asked intrigued why she found his tattoo so interesting.

"Ooooohhh…. I see" Then she giggled nervously staring away into the yard in front of them. "I thought you called me Kiddo!"

Perplexed he stared at her. He didn't have anything to lose so he asked, "Do you have a date?"

"No… The boy I fancy's asked another to go…"

"Would you be my date to the ball?"

"Aren't I a bit young?" She didn't really care but wondered why he would ask a child.

"Well I am 150 years or so old, so I guess everyone here's too young for me…" he paused thinking about it a little, "…where I come from age isn't too much of an issue because I'll look like this for another 800 years or so!"

"Wow that's incredible" she looked at him with genuine interest. What he liked was the fact that she looked like she actually believed him, unlike most humans he had met at this school.

"So… Would you come to the ball as my date?"

She thought about it a little, gazing off into the distance dreamily before answering without turning her head. "Sure… Strictly platonic ok!"

"Thank you" he answered, whatever '_platonic_' meant he didn't care. He had got a date.

Remembering something, he reached over to the flowers in the bin and pulled them out. Although battered and crushed, he handed them to her. "I heard this was the custom."

She laughed and accepted them as she stood up to leave. Thinking he should just be himself, he asked her as a way of thanking her, "So, would you like to see my technique?"

**End**

**A/N: Sorry bout the late update! Couldn't log in for some reason. Lucky I had this was pre-written so here goes two chapters at once.**


	10. Finding Dates III!

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- Not new but not old to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**Two chapters updated at once today!!**

**_The alerts system seem to be down so just a message saying I generally update this series about once or twice per day! The joys of working from home! – Finally Update works!!_**

**Short 10: - Finding Dates III !!**

Ichigo Kurosaki and Abarai Renji hung upside down. Their feet was strapped tightly to a makeshift gymnastics high bar. Their kimonos were off, showing great mounds of taut muscle under a glistening sheen of sweat. Their Hakama's had been exchanged for shorts for this exercise. They did not like to lose at anything, but even more so, they did not like to lose to each other.

"997…. Ugnh …998….unnn…999…..1000" They counted in unison as they crunched their abdominal muscles in this inverse sit ups competition.

They were so engrossed, they paid little notice to the crowd gathering around them. The audience, mainly female were whispering things teenagers really shouldn't be whispering, using such adjectives as 'hot', 'gorgeous', and words like 'buns' with no reference whatsoever to baking. "I can't believe their our age" one girl whispered to her friend, "So different from the reedy guys we see 'round 'ere"

Ichigo looked over at Renji who was also panting hard and bragged, "Ha! You look worn out! I could do another 500 easy! Give up Yet?"

"Ha! I was just getting started!" Renji spat back at him, "I thought you needed to rest so I stopped for ya!"

"As if.." and with that they started all over again!

"1….unnn…2….uhhh…"

By the time they were around the 100 mark they had lost count and had started talking and crunching to pass time. "So…. Unnhh… You got a date yet?..." Renji asked.

"unnn….I can get a date…. uhhnnn…. anytime I want…..haaa….worry about yourself more eyebrows!"

Indignant Renji scoffed, "You're just gonna….unnnn….ask Rukia anyway right!"

At the mention of her name both stopped, unaware that they had. "No way I'll ask that short little witch!" Ichigo growled.

Unbeknownst to the two, some of the smaller, real witches were insulted. "Ha! You're right, "Renji laughed, "Who'd want to ask her!"

"Yeah!"

"Hahaha true!" both boys laughed.

A brief moment passed in silence as they waited for the other to speak first. It was Renji who spoke up, "Won't she be lonely then…?"

"Yeah… Maybe… I don't know." Ichigo pondered the question, "Maybe you should ask her?"

"No way!! I'll never ask that little bitch!" They both began to laugh.

They stared absentmindedly away at the yard, taking turns peeking at the other trying to read each others facial expression. "Do you really think she'll be lonely?" Ichigo asked quietly.

"Nah! She's tough… she'll be fine." Renji thought about it a little more. "Maybe I should ask her… as friends of course."

"No!" Ichigo's terse reply was a little louder than he had wanted it to be, "I mean… you don't even have….flowers…yeah you don't have flowers and you need them to ask."

"Really?" Renji was really surprised at learning about all these quaint new human customs.

"Really!" Ichigo, happy with his answer.

"I could get some flowers from Dumbledore…?"

"Uh.. I, ahh, I think someone's asked her already!"

"What!" Renji shouted. Surprised by his sudden tone he added in more quietly, "Who?"

"Um.. I think it was… it was that… that Potter kid." Ichigo frowned intensely. Thinking about Harry Potter and Rukia together somehow bothered him, even though he knew it was a lie. "Yeah. It was definitely that Harry Potter."

"Um … OK then…" Renji looked forlorn. "Do you think it's alright for her to go with a wizard? And isn't he a bit young?"

"Maybe, but he still asked her."

"Did she agree?" Renji asked.

"I think so.. Actually Yes she did." Ichigo's face was getting brighter by the moment.

"Are you lying to me?" Renji had the distinct feeling he was considering how red Ichigo had become.

"No."

"Then why are you so red?"

"Bastard! We're hanging upside down 10 feet in the air for over an hour! 'Course I'm gonna be red!" Ichigo shouted desperately trying to hide his lie.

"Um.. OK" Renji wasn't entirely convinced.

"Renji, can I ask you something?"

"Ask me what?"

"Rukia… Do you… ahh.. do you like her?"

At this Renji laughed nervously, "Hahaha!! No way. We're just friends because we've known each other for so long."

"Ahh.. Ok." Ichigo didn't understand why he was happy all of a sudden.

"Ichigo." Renji peeked over to a half grinning Ichigo, "Do you like Rukia?"

"What! Don't insult me Renji!" Ichigo looked livid. "I'm only around her because she saved my life!"

"Hahahaha! Yeah you're right. Sorry Ichigo."

A silent wind blew coldly against their bodies as they stared at the ground in front of them. A few minutes of deathly silence surrounded them before Renji spoke, "I think I remembered something I gotta do!"

"Me too!" Ichigo snapped his reply as quickly as he crunched up to untie his feet from the bar.

Renji too was untying his bound feet as his thoughts raced around a plan. "I'll beat up Potter first.. No…No… Ichigo's probably lying… I'll check with Rukia first and find out the truth… then get some flowers and.. No wait… Ichigo might beat me too it if he lied… Get the flowers first then… Yeah I'll get some flowers! Can always say they're for someone else! Yeah sounds good!"

Ichigo was oblivious to the crowd of blushing teens as he landed and stared at Renji. His mind formed one thought over and over, "flowers, flowers, flowers"

"I have something to do… there." Ichigo said pointing to a spot behind the school away from Dumbledore's office.

"Sure," Renji replied. "I… ahh… have something to do over there." He also pointed elsewhere away from both Ichigo's direction and Dumbledore's office.

They walked away from each other until certain they were out of sight of one another before they put their _Shunpo_ they had trained so hard for to good use.

They'd also forgot to put their clothes back on.

**End**

**A/N: I cant decide who should go with Rukia yet. Sorry guys ( .I even thought maybe Harry! LOL Who should it be tell me before the next update or else it's too late)**

**PS Got stuff to do for a day so will not update until 30th Nov. May post edits up though.**


	11. Finding Dates IV!

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- Not new but not old to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality.**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts**

**_The alerts system seem to be down so just a message saying I generally update this series about once or twice per day! The joys of working from home!_**

**Short 11: - Finding Dates IV !!**

Yachiru Kusajishi ran ecstatically down the long hallway into the Grand Hall. She wanted to go to tonight's Valentines day ball and she wanted to go with a date. No one had asked her last night, but she was determined and a determined Yachiru is not afraid to ask. After all Granger-san had said it was ok for girls to ask, just that it was normal for a boy to ask. If Yachiru was anything, it was not normal.

Kenpachi Zaraki marched down the long hallway into the Grand Hall, following after the little girl with pink hair, he held dear as a daughter. She wanted a date and if it made her happy, if it made her smile that wondrous smile of hers, he, Kenpachi was going to make sure she had a date. Granger-san had said it was ok for him to chaperone, so he felt safe knowing he was able to watch over Yachiru. After all he wanted he wanted her to have some normal experiences with life outside the 11th Division. If Kenpachi thought anything about her, he thought she was normal.

Sitting down in a corner of the hall for breakfast, they wondered why none of the students would sit down next to them. Kenpachi was sure he was putting on his best behavior, smiling from ear to ear at everyone he came across. Much like Gin used to do. The mismatched pair ate silently while the smaller of the two, Yachiru looked this way and that for a potential date.

The doors of the great hall swung open as three boys and a girl walked in. The middle one seemed to be the leader of the small group, having platinum blonde hair, verging almost on white. The girl grew out of his arm, pressed so tightly against him, her breasts were sure to be as pug-like as her face. The other two stood behind the pair, arms crossed over their chest acting for all the world like bodyguards. They stared around the hall, glaring at everyone menacingly, daring anyone to start trouble with them.

What they didn't see however were a pair of baby, brown eyes staring at them from the corner of the hall. Not really staring at them, but at the killing aura that the platinum blonde exuded. It was bloodlust at first sight. "I wanna go with him!" Yachiru said to her father figure. "He's got some really nice bloodlust. He must really like blood!" Pointing excitedly at the boy.

Kenpachi pushed away from his table and walked over to the young boy impressed by his killing intent. Proud of Yachiru, he thought to himself, "She sure has good taste." As he approached however, the aura evaporated into the air as they stood trembling before the giant man.

"Yes sir?" Draco Malfoy asked. "C…Can I help you?" His goons carefully backed away. Only Pansy Parkinson, the girl on his arm stayed and even she tried to learn to melt into the floor.

"You're gonna be the date!" he put on that fake smile he had been practicing for ages now.

"But sir!" He was shocked, he never thought this man was that way inclined. "I'm not of your type."

"My type?" Kenpachi asked curiously.

Malfoy gulped, "I… I don't like men…" seeing the look over Kenpachi's face he began to worry that he'd insulted the monster so he added weakly, "…usually."

Kenpachi laughed. "Hahaha! It's not for me, it's for her!" He reached over his back and produced a grinning Yachiru. He held her up, as if for display, by the back of her sash around her waist, in one hand, in front of Malfoy.

Stunned he could only gape on in silence at infant in front of him. She reached up with both hands, slapping him on each side of his cheeks and cupped his face in her tiny palms. "You have nice bloodlust. Do you like blood? I like blood? Have you killed anyone before? Tell me who you killed? How did you kill them? Was there a lot of blood? I like blood." Yachiru rambled excitedly.

"Ah… I… already have a date." Malfoy tried to back away.

Yachiru's smile disappeared, her eyes started to water a little and her lips trembled. Kenpachi would have none of this and decided to take action. "Why not have her as a back up date?"

Yachiru seemed to perk up to this idea. "A back up date?" Malfoy inquired. "What's that?"

Kenpachi grinned, "It's a date to take along if your first date can't make it, just in case things happen."

"Things happen? What things?" Malfoy should never have asked.

"The usual, she might get sick, she might get injured or maybe even die!" Kenpachi bluntly replied.

Pansy seemed to jump at this last statement and weakly she chimed in. "Um Malfoy, I forgot I was going with someone else so umm.. sorry."

"What! Pansy…" Malfoy started but she had already uprooted herself and ran out the hall.

"Well lucky you have a back up date!" Kenpachi started to like this smiling business. "We're going to have a great time at the ball tonight."

"We're…?" Malfoy's complexion became as pale as his hair.

"Of course. You wouldn't think I'd let you take Yachiru by yourself, alone, tonight did you?"

Malfoy decided that he was going to be sick or have a nasty accident tonight. Or he could fake one, his mind offered. "Of course," Kenpachi added as an afterthought, "If anyone made Yachiru cry, they'd have things happen to them as well."

**End**

**A/N: I cant decide who should go with Rukia yet. Sorry guys ( .I even thought maybe Harry! LOL Who should it be tell me before the next update or else it's too late. Please vote on reviews I need it for the ball next chapter!.)**

**Ball starts next chapter.**


	12. Valentines Day BallEarly Hours

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- Not new but not old to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality… Might get rid of this disclaimer soon. )**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts - Except this one. It's bloody long. Couldn't help it. Sorry.**

_**I'll be updating this series once a day instead now! I'm getting a busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls! (**_

**Short 12: - Valentines Day Ball, early hours.**

"Rukia!" Ichigo called out to her, "Put your Zanpaktou in the trunk. We can't take it to the ball!"

"Who says?" Rukia asked.

"Look I come from the real world. I understand how things work alright!"

Disgruntled, Rukia relented, placing her Zanpaktou into the trunk on top of Zangetsu. She really didn't like leaving without it but if this was the expected behavior then she would try her best to fit in. It was a specialty of hers. Locking the trunk, Ichigo turned to look at Rukia with a approving eye. She wore the simple white dress that Ishida had made for her but what really caught his breath was the sparkling diamond pendant, glittering against the black background of her choker.

"What happened to your eye?" she asked him, staring at the bruise which threatened to shut his eyelids together.

"Damned bastard Renji!"

She shook her head disapprovingly, she really didn't want to ruin her very first ball. So she slipped her arm through his, luxuriating in the feel of his tuxedo. She thought he looked very good in it and his figure definitely filled it out in all the right places. Together they marched out of his staff quarters and headed to the Grand Hall.

Renji grumbled curses to himself as he sat in corner of the Grand Hall watching as all the couples around them mingled and laughed. They seemed to really enjoy themselves but Renji was having his first taste of Valentine loneliness. Not that it never happened before, but in Soul Society it never mattered. He could still remember the struggle as he had met Ichigo holding a bouquet of roses, much like he was at the time, standing outside the stairs to the guests tower. Both cards read 'Rukia'.

Rubbing his bruised jaw licking his split lip he remembered the ensuing fight. "Dirty bastard! Tore off my shorts and underwear! What a cheap shot!"

It seemed that in their rush to get flowers and get to Rukia, neither of them had remembered to put some clothes on. He had thought for a second after the fight that he might ask Rukia anyway but his nakedness dissuaded him.

Kuchiki Byakuya waltzed in regally behind the figure of Ichigo and Rukia. He turned a few heads in his brand new tuxedo and some of the witches wondered how he had ended up dateless, tonight of all nights. "Are you going to be following me around all night, Byakuya?" Ichigo asked with a hint of annoyance.

"Granger-san said it was alright to chaperone family. I am merely doing my duty."

Eyeing the sword at his waist, Ichigo shook his head in disgust. "You're not supposed to bring weapons to a ball you know."

Byakuya either didn't hear or didn't care, but obviously one girl did. "I think he looks smashing, like a real prince with a sword." The anonymous voice called out.

Rukia scowled and _accidently _stepped on Ichigo's foot, making sure to dig the point of her high heels into his toe.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri was a bizarre sight in his black tuxedo. He had been shown some _magic_ by some of the students earlier in the day and it had interested him greatly. He was walking from group to group, who understandably were dispersing the moment he asked them a question or spoke. He didn't care if he asked a male or a female and he couldn't quite understand the reactions he was getting from these wizards and witches. He thought he was being nice.

His question, "Do you have a date?" usually garnered wide eyed looks from the students.

His question, "Could I be your date?" was usually answered by a shaking of the head from the girls and a shaking of the head followed by a fleeing in terror by the boys.

"Would you like to come back to my place tonight. I promise not to do any fatal experiments." Didn't seem to go over well with the students either.

Impatient he tried, "Show me some magic and I'll make sure your body remains intact when I'm done." That had earned slaps from the girls and more fleeing from the boys.

Sighing he sat down at the long tables waiting for his meal to appear instead. Secretly he thought to kidnap a few of these wizards and witches when the opportunity presented itself.

Hitsugaya Toshiro walked in wearing a white tuxedo and blue bow tie, his sword strapped to his back. Hinamori was arm in arm with the young captain dressed in a simple pastel blue, matching Toshiro's eyes. She couldn't stop smiling as the pair sat down at the large table at their assigned seats, in preparations for the feast.

Shuuhei Hisagi felt uncomfortable in his bow tie and tux. He was even more uncomfortable that Luna Lovegood was hanging off his arm pressed against his biceps. It's not that he didn't like the feeling of her assets, nor was it that he didn't think she looked pretty in her frilly pink dress and heels, he was just unused to the closeness. Even amongst his Shinigami comrades he was never this physically close, let alone have someone become an armband accessory. It also didn't help that Ichigo had finally explained to him what his tattooed '69' on his cheek had meant in the real world.

He had original thought to come with a scarf wrapped around his face. His date however had taken one look at him and ripped it off. "You will not wear that to the ball tonight."

He had tried to protest but when Luna had stated bluntly, "If you wear that you can go on your own." He relented.

It was her next words that struck a cord with him however, her expression seeming to soften. "You are who you are and that is now very much a part of you. Do not be ashamed of it. It's merely a cultural difference."

The smile she gave him steeled his confidence, until she had pressed up against him leaving him how he was right now.

The feast began as everyone ate heartily. Jokes and good will permeated the air and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Rangiku Matsumoto, who had accepted Ron's gracious offer, watched as her date seemed to shovel away at his food. She was used to unusual eating habits and even unusual eating tastes and it didn't offend her one bit.

What impressed her however was when she wanted sake. It just magically appeared. By the time she had finished two bottles with her meal, Ron face was dribbling with sauce. Thinking to have a bit of fun with her date, she leaned over seductively close to him, letting her ample cleavage do the talking. She reached over to the shell shocked youth and wipe the sauce with her finger, then sucking her finger clean. "You had a bit of sauce on your chin." She said smiling lavicously.

Ron's face matched his flaming hair, his mouth agape he dropped his fork. All around the table some boys choked and people dropped glasses and cutlery. Rangiku could only chuckle proudly to herself, she sure still had it in her for a 200 year old.

Kenpachi Zaraki walked into the hall during the middle of the feast following Yachiru Kusajishi. He looked like an undertaker in his tuxedo but the little vice captain looked like a child in her pink tank top and skirt. She was dragging a distraught looking Draco Malfoy by the hand into the hall, uncaring of the arm cask and leg cask that he was in.

"Sorry bout coming late." Kenpachi's voice boomed. "Something happened to Yachiru's date so we went to find him. Turns out he was in the hospital."

"But sir," Malfoy tried to complain. "I can't possibly come to the ball with a broken arm and leg."

"Don't worry Dacky Draccy" obviously Yachiru had come up with a new nick name for her date. "Injury shouldn't stop you from having fun!"

As she dragged him to their seats and sat down she rambled him excitedly, "How did you get injured? Did you fight again? Did you kill anyone? Was there blood? Was there a lot of blood? I like blood."

The feast went well all things considered. Only poor Malfoy suffered as Yachiru, trying to be helpful, forcefully spoon fed her date till he turned blue from lack of oxygen. She was just being considerate of course. A strong boy like Malfoy needed lots of nutrition if wanted to grow up big and healthy like Kenpachi. She was trying to make sure he had enough nutrition to last for a year, especially in his injured state. She reasoned, if works for Ken-chan it should work for him.

Harry Potter was the perfect gentleman at the dinner table. His date Ginny Weasley was impressed, especially considering she had put up with her pig like eating habits of her brother for so long. She marveled that such different people can become such good friends. Shuuhei and Luna sat across the table from them and curiosity getting the better of him he asked, "So what's that tattoo on yer cheek mean?"

Shuuhei blushed a little but surprisingly it was Luna that came to his defense. "It's his favourite technique. He promised to show it to me after the ball."

There was a lot of choking on food at that statement as people overhead her. She looked cross and snapped, "Get your heads out of the gutter boys. It's a cultural difference. We're 'e comes from that's a kidou spell, like our magic, 'cept their's is numbered."

"Oh." Harry managed as his face slowly became mobile again.

As the feast finished, Dumbledore stood up and gave a short speech. At the end of the speech the tables disappeared and as everyone stood up the chairs disappeared. "Everyone, enjoy yourselves tonight and…Let the dance begin!" he declared with a chuckle as he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

With that the hall darkened as couples made their way to the middle to dance to the slow music seeming to emanate from the building itself. Wisps of light and flashes of colour appeared in the air around the dancers. Seeming to flit around them in time to the music. Concerned, Byakuya asked the person next to him, "Excuse me..?" he asked the blonde woman beside him.

"Poppy, Poppy Pomfrey." She offered as an introduction, curtseying to him.

"Pomfrey-san, what is the meaning of the lowering of lighting and these wisp like things?"

"It's for creating a good mood." She looked at the stern man with a stern look matching his.

Byakuya seemed to ponder this for a minute before drawing his sword. Turning to her he said, "It's merely for the mood" before calling out "Senbonzakura!"

He felt safer now, his thousands of blades, looking like floating sakura petals swirled around the great hall. If anyone were to attack in this low light he was prepared. The audience marveled at the beauty floating around them, some had tried to reach for them but Byakuya had made sure that all his blades kept at least one feet away from everyone in the room. Madame Pomfrey raised an eyebrow impressed and turned to look at the gentleman through a different light. "Would you care to dance?" she asked.

"I don't dance."

"Come now." She reached for his hand, "It's Valentines day, everyone _must_ dance."

'_Must_' Byakuya thought to himself. If such is the case he would oblige out of good manners, but turning to the floor he saw the bemused looks from his fellow Shinigami. Thinking to hide his embarrassment he created a circular wall of sakura petals around him as he danced.

Madame Pomfrey had never been in this position before. Dancing in the arms of a handsome young gentleman as a swirl of flower petals separated them from the out side world. Here was only him and her in this little world. Hiding her blush in his chest, she didn't know what to think.

"Aww, that's soooo sweet," Momo swooned. "If only all guys were like that."

Toshiro didn't like the way she had said that and closed his eyes. "Hyorinmaru. Can you hear me?" he spoke in his mind.

"What?" the ice dragon answered coldly.

"Give me a hand here."

"Why?" it sulked.

"Look if you give me a hand here, I'll take you to see… Betty… after the ball."

Toshiro felt, more than saw a smile form and when he opened his eyes it had started snowing. It had started snowing a warm gentle snow as he danced with Momo, mingling with the sakura petals and creating an effect of flowers falling in winter. What embarrassed him however, was as they danced around the snow fell on him and Momo, and no one else. The snow followed him around the floor as they danced, but this seemed to please Momo more as she pressed her face into his chest to hide her blush.

Rukia looked at the two couples longingly, who were by now, the center of attention. Looking back at Ichigo as they danced, she sighed and shook her head when she thought about what Zangetsu was only capable of.

"Look at them." Harry pointed with his hand and that was holding Ginny's, as they danced around the great hall.

"Hmmm" she murmured never taking her eyes off Harry nor even hearing what he had said.

Harry had pointed to a semi-drunk Rangiku as she flattened herself, if that were possible, against Ron's body. She looked like she was attempting to compress him into her soul as she laughed at the young man's discomfort. Ron's face was red and by the looks of it, it was going to stay that way for the rest of the night. "There only boobs!" she whispered into his ear.

Ron thought he had died and gone to heaven.

Yachiru spun Malfoy around easily. The young man was taken aback by her sudden strength and could only follow her attempts at _dance_ as he tried to prevent himself from getting airborne. "This is fun!" she squealed as Kenpachi stood beside the two making sure Malfoy didn't do anything bad to his little girl.

"A… A guys supposed… to lead." Malfoy managed to utter.

"Okay!" she shrugged, before leaping on his back and screaming out. "Dance Dacky Draccy! Dance!"

Kenpachi was proud his little girl was could make her way into society.

The night was still young and the ball was only starting to get interesting.

**End**

**A/N: I guess Ichigo it is then! )**


	13. The Clock Strikes 13

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Disclaimer 2:- Not new but not old to fanfics so there's guarantee of quality… Might get rid of this disclaimer soon. )**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts - Except this one. It's bloody long. Couldn't help it. Sorry.**

_**I'll be updating this series once a day instead now! I'm getting a busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls! (**_

**Short 13: - The Clock Strikes 13.**

Renji leaned forlornly against the railings of the balcony. He had been at Hogwarts for a day already but he still wasn't accustomed to the physics of the place. The doors leading from the Grand Hall should have been on ground level but instead he was on a high balcony overlooking a forest surrounding a large, placid lake. When he thought carefully about it, he was sure the doors were never there when he had originally arrived.

Hermione Granger wasn't sad, just a little disappointed. After being the one to lecture to the new guests on the customs of Valentines day and dates, she had arrived to the ball dateless. No one had asked this year and she thought it improper for a girl to ask. She sighed as she stepped out to the magical balcony and was shocked by the man standing outside peering into the landscape. She recognized him as one of the guests, Renji Abarai. "Abarai-san, are you alone as well?" she asked as she joined him.

"Granger-san…"

"Please call me Hermione." She really wasn't used to their honorifics system.

"Hermione. What can I do for you?" he asked curiously.

"Don't you have a date tonight?"

"No. What about you?"

"No" she sighed, "Seems the day for love can be the loneliest day in the whole year for some. I'm just happy that so many of my friends are happy tonight."

Renji looked at her in admiration. "You're pretty mature girl."

"Thanks."

Renji continued. "You're very smart and your good looking, why don't you have a date? Are wizards blind?"

Blushing, miss super-vocabulary was stuck for words. "Th..Thanks." finally regaining her composure she explained, "Boy's don't want 'smart' or 'mature' they just want 'pretty'."

"Well sounds like the boys here a blind to me," Renji thought to cheer her up, "Why just settle for pretty when you can have all three."

Hermione looked at the tall, red head with a genuine gratitude. She felt her spirit lighten at his words so thinking to return his kindness she asked him, "Would you care to dance?"

It was Renji's who turned crimson now, "I..I don't know how?"

"Come on. I'll teach you."

But at Renji insistence they practiced on the balcony first, overlooking that forest, surrounding that lake and under the moonlight. She had agreed, making sure he would be confident first before taking him to the floor and flaunting him.

By now most of the revelers were red faced and their speech slurry. It appeared that Rangiku had decided that the big fountain of pumkin juice tasted better with sake and proceeded to empty bottle after bottle into it. Kurotsuchi had decided that he wasn't having any luck and had retired early for the night. Rukia and Momo however, not having drunk from the fountain were energetic and secret they enjoyed this human custom called Valentines day. Momo had decided to bring this up at the next Shinigami Women Committee meeting and propose to make it an official custom for Soul Society's calendar. In their excitement they had dragged their partners around refusing to let them leave the dance floor. They hadn't danced in nearly a hundred years and they wanted to make sure they got enough dancing in to last another hundred.

Byakuya stood watching Ichigo and Rukia from the refreshment stand, slowly sipping his tea which he preferred to pumkin juice. Madame Pomfrey stood beside him sipping her pumpkin juice, wondering why it tasted a bit stronger than usual. Grabbing an apple from a fruit bowl to cleanse her palate with, she looked around for a knife to peel the fruit. Byakuya noticed her search and asked if she needed help.

"Oh sorry, yes.. I was just looking for something to peel this with." She said showing her apple to him.

"Please, allow me." Byakuya was ever the gentleman.

Holding the apple by the stalk he called some of his sakura petals from around the room towards him. They criss crossed the surface of the apple and even carried the falling peels to the nearest bin. Byakuya was definitely not an untidy person. Soon he was holding out a perfectly peeled apple to the flaxon haired woman.

She raised an eyebrow, impressed. "Can you do anything else with tha'?" she asked innocently.

Byakuya thought for a while and the sakura petals came forward once more and danced again over the apple. He held out the apple now, completely shaped like the head of a bear to her. It was obvious that both he and his sister shared the same artistic tastes and ability. It lloked more like Chappy the Bunny but with rounded ears instead of pointy ones. What he didn't know was in this situation, it was apt.

Madame Pomfrey cheeks flushed at the gift. Undecided whether to eat it or frame it. "Do you like bears?" she asked.

"They are magnificent animals." Byakuya seriously.

"I love bears. I have a magnificent Teddy in my room."

"Teddy?" he puzzled.

"It's a bear."

To Byakuya this sounded dangerous. A bear in a mortals room! She noticed the slight shifting in his eyes and chanced to ask, "Would you like to see it? I'd be honoured to show you."

Byakuya decided to investigate and given the invitation he didn't want to seem rude to his gracious host. Taking her proffered arm in his own he politely nodded. As they strode out the Grand Hall he passed a dancing Rukia and Ichigo, stopping only to inform his sister of what was happening. "I shall be gone for a while. Mind yourself Rukia."

"Nii-sama" she asked curiously, "Where are you going?"

"We are going to Madame Pomfrey's room to see her bear."

Ichigo stumbled and stepped on Rukia's foot, his eyes almost exploding from it's sockets. Byakuya merely continued striding out the hall into the cold night air.

"What the hell?" Ichigo couldn't contain his surprise. "Your brother…"

Rukia knowing her brother better answered before Ichigo could finish. "I'm sure there's a story behind it. Probably long too." Then she kicked him in the shins, "And that's for stepping on my foot."

By now Renji had come in and started dancing with Hermione. Carefully sidestepping other couples and drunken bodies, he maneuvered his way to Rukia and Ichigo. While spinning Hermione around he _accidentally_ kick Ichigo in the shins. Ichigo angered, led Rukia towards Renji then twirled around sweeping Renji's ankle from under him.

Renji losing his footing reacted instantly. Holding Hermione tightly to him by her waist, his swept foot swung out in straight behind him kicking Ichigo into a spin behind him. Renji had to lean forward to regain his balance as Hermione was forced to arch backwards in his embrace.

"Wh..Why, Abarai-san…" She stuttered, flushing as she realized their faces were only an inch apart, "You learn very quickly."

Ichigo, sent spinning by Renji's impromptu kick, rotated around suddenly, Rukia's legs swept up by his sudden movement. Pivoting on one foot, Ichigo struggled to control himself as he held Rukia closer, falling to one knee. When he stopped he found her draped over his knee, an inch away from his face, held tightly against him. "Ah… Sorry." Was all he could say to those cerulean eyes smiling back at him.

"I guess there's other ways to perform magic." She whispered huskily.

Yachiru had drunk too much of that delicious pumkin juice. Even if the alcohol hadn't affected her the sugar definitely did. She was dancing in one corner of the floor, literally. Her partner was merely being swung around in circles, airborne, by her form of _dancing_. Kenpachi stood close watching glaring at anyone who came close in attempt to rescue Yachiru's date, Draco Malfy. She slowly picked up speed no longer caring about watching her strength. Draco was slowly turning green, his dinner threatening to decorate his date, but the look her giant chaperone gave him told him he better not do that.

"Whhheeeeeeee!!!" she shouted laughing all the way.

"Pl..Please…stop" he protested fighting the urge to retch his rather large dinner up.

"Wacko Draco is sooo much fun!" Apparently she had changed his nickname yet again.

In her frenzied stupor her hands finally slipped and Draco was sent flying through the air. His leg cask shattered as it struck the wall and he finally purged the contents of his stomach on the floor. Not wanting to take anymore chances, he got up and ran away.

"YAY!! Wacko Draco's leg is all healed!" Yachiru cheered jumping up and down.

Draco ran past her, down the hall and into the castle. Yachiru realized her date was leaving and began to chase after him. "Wait! Wait! What about the kiss!?" She called out after him.

"KISS??!!" Kenpachi boomed. No one was kissing his little girl, not if he had anything to say about it. He turned and chased after the two waving away all obstacles with his large Zanpaktou.

As the clock reached midnight it rang out 13 times. Toshiro Hitsugaya cursed silently at himself. He had forgotten to watch the time. In his deal with Hyorinmaru he had promised that at midnight they would be at Hagrid's cottage to see Betty. Hyorinmaru had threatened that if he were late in doing so he would freeze the Great Hall and all within it. Puddles of ice were already beginning to appear.

"I'm sorry Momo," Toshiro said apologetically, "I have to go. It's midnight."

"Why Shiro-chan?" Her eyes slowly moistened.

"Trust me I have to leave or else."

With that he turned around and ran, not watching his step he stubbed his toe. His shoe fell off but as he noticed the room becoming colder and ice forming on the walls he left it there and shunpo'd in the direction of Hagrid's hut. Momo Hinamori stepped forward and picked up the tiny shoe, gingerly caressing it. "At least I can see him again." She smiled to herself, meaning to return the shoe.

**End**

**A/N: Finally the balls over! Please tell me what you think cause I'm afraid I might have gone overboard with the OOC and fluff. This one hasn't been edited yet so this is what my work usually looks like untouched.**


	14. Cat Fight

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 14: - Cat fight**

Minerva McGonagall wandered the rooftops of Hogwarts. Luxuriating in the feel of the cool spring air and the light of the sun. She was rather spry for a 70 year old as she nimbly leapt from one section of roof to another. She purred, fighting her natural animal instincts to chase a passing butterfly. At times like this, it was great to be an Animagus cat.

Shihouin Yoruichi, sighed lazily on Ichigo's window sill. Her black fur, slick as she basked in the spring sun. She didn't fight her animal instincts as she licked her paws and began washing her face with them. With Aizen gone, she had become bored and had decided to visit Ichigo here at Hogwarts. Coming here was easy for the master tracker and the Goddess of Flash that she was. No stupid owl was going to lose her that easily, magical or not.

A sinewy tabby cat landed on the window sill, growling under it's breath. It's strange rim like markings around it's eyes seemed to death stare at the new black cat lying in its favourite spot. The problem was, everyday at this time Ichigo would return from his morning shower in nothing but a bath towel and get changed. McGonagall had secretly started visiting him every morning watching him from the sill. Luckily her being a cat was unknown to Ichigo as he happily and unashamedly tossed away his towel and changed. But not today. Today some new cat was stealing her spot.

Unusually defensive about her '_territory_' and aware that Ichigo was due any minute she swiped at the intruding cat with her front paws knocking it off the ledge. Ichigo had just opened the door fully dressed, aware that Yoruichi had come to pay him a visit and had seen the tabby cat pushing Yoruichi off the edge. He smiled knowingly, this cat had bitten off more than it could chew. He almost called out when he saw the small black paw reach up behind the tabby and clothes lined the tabby off the edge.

Both cats fell off the tall tower, plummeting over 150 feet. Luckily cats land on their feet. They faced off in the small yard hissing and spitting at each other. The antics of the two feline fatalities caught the attention of a number of students as they all gathered around to watch.

McGonagall leapt forward swiping at the black cats face with extended claws, drawing blood from it's cheek.

Yoruichi leapt backwards realizing this cat was unusually fast She prepared herself for the next attack. As the tabby leapt forward again, Yoruichi reared up on her hind legs, stepped to the side and swiftly kicked the tabby in the ribs, sending it skidding away, side ways.

McGonagall stared in horror. That kitty was Kung Fu fighting! It's moves were fast as lightning! She was a little bit frightened, 'cause it fought with expert timing!

The crowd watched awed as the black cat took on a humanoid fighting stance and with it's extended foreleg motioned with it's paw for the tabby to '_come on_'. The tabby dashed forward at the black cat but stopped suddenly, grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it into the eyes of the surprised feline. Blinded it never saw the tabby reef the textbook out of the hand of a stunned onlooker, but it did feel the solid impact of book on kitty skull as it was sent cart-wheeling away.

Yoruichi was just as surprised as everyone at the intelligence of this tabby and had flash stepped away in time when another textbook was sent hurling towards her. As she flash stepped around the gawking crowd, she noticed the tabby pull out some sort of stick. So this tabby obviously knew how to use weapons as well!

McGonagall saw the black cat racing around the yard at superhuman speed. Surprised, she waited until it made a beeline for her before spinning around and meowing out in her catlike voice, "Stupefy!"

Yoruichi only saw the flash of light, unaware of what it was, as it struck her chest. The pain coursed through her causing her to shake violently. She was going to wipe that smirk off the tabbies face no matter what it cost! Pointing a paw she summoned some reiatsu and called out, "Demon Art number 4, White Lightning!"

McGonagall was shell shocked as the black cat, while airborne called forth a massive bolt of lightning which struck her clean in the chest. It sent shivers of electricity and pain through her small form making all her hair stand up. The crowd of students stood agog! They were witnessing a cat fight of the highest degree. They took it as a lesson never to mess with harmless looking kitties ever again.

"You're pretty good. " Yoruichi face attempted a scowl as she spoke. Silently she was disappointed that talking cats were not too much of a surprise here in Hogwarts.

"You're an Animagus?" McGonagall attempted to interrogate the other.

Like a leopard Yoruichi flashed beside McGonagall before she could react, ramming her hind leg into the tabby, then paw socking her across the face before finishing off with a judo flip throw. Yoruichi hurled herself on top the tabby pinning down her limbs. McGonagall transformed back to her human form forcing Yoruichi off her. Grabbing the black cat by the scruff of her neck she hurled it as far as she could casting an Homorphus Charm (1) on it as it sailed through the air.

The crowd watched, transfixed as the cat slowly changed form, growing larger till it became a dark skinned and very beautiful, _naked _ woman standing in stance ready to continue the fight.

Girls blushed and boys ogled. Some fainted due to loss of blood from staring at the newcomer. They all discovered the _other_ reason that Shihouin Yoruichi was known as the 'Goddess of Flash'.

**End**

**A/N: Bwahahahaha! Guess what song I've been listening to? Sorry this took a while!**

(1) Homorphus Charm – unknown incantation. Reverts a Animagus or transformed being back to it's original form.


	15. Sharp Stick

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls! _**

**Short 15: - Sharp Stick!**

When Toshiro had left, he had also recommended that Rukia Kuchiki stay behind as an Assistant Teacher to Ichigo. She had been informed by the stern infant captain that Ichigo had yet to fully comprehend the goals of this school. It had become one of her jobs to inform him of his misunderstanding. They had decided that she was to teach them Kidou and Ichigo would teach them self defense. In return Dumbledore would teach her wand magic. She could then teach it onto the students as she learnt new spells and take them back with her to Soul Society. An exchange of knowledge of sorts.

This _wand magic_ thing still confounded her. As she held the small stem of wood in her hand, she wondered just how in hell do you expect to fight with one of these. As far as she was concerned it was a sharp stick. Magic or spells via a sharp stick sounded extraneous to her, being more used to the spells of Kidou. Either way this 'sharp stick' as she began to refer to it was bought on the advice of Dumbledore to allow her to get a feel for magic.

As she entered the yard watching Ichigo yelling abuse at the students she began to imagine ways in which her sharp stick could be used in combat. Foremost in her mind was to poke it through the eyeballs of the target but thinking on the hollows she fought it didn't sound too sane an idea. Sticking in other orifices also came to mind but this left her feeling nauseas and she decided to leave it at that.

As the students were jogging around the yard lugging 10 kilogram weights on their backs, Ichigo was cursing like Kenpachi would, in an effort to motivate his troops into trying harder. This had become a regular routine and some of the students were starting to become a little beefier already.

Rukia sighed as she stood next to Ichigo watching on her first day. She really didn't know if this is what Dumbledore had in mind about defense, but she did allow herself to admit that they would now stand a better chance against any sort of monster that came along. There was something to be said about brute strength.

Bored she looked at her sharp stick and flipped it around a few times. Nothing seemed to happen, although it did seem quite sturdy it was far from a weapon to her. Curios she poked Ichigo in the ribs with it.

"Oooowww!!!" he screamed. "What the hell!"

Rukia quickly hid the rod behind her, eyes darting away looking as innocent as possible. She was actually thrilled at the reaction she had gotten from him. He stared daggers at her before he turned back to his class.

"BITTTTCCHHH!!" he screamed again as he leapt into the air. "Stop it!" He demanded of Rukia.

She was looked at him in mock shock, pretending. "What did I do, Ichigo?"

Ichigo watched her for a second before turning back to class, whispering in an almost whiney voice. "Don't, I'm ticklish."

"What's ticklish?" she asked curiously.

Ichigo grinned to himself. "Stop it or you'll find out."

For a while she stood there watching him bark insults at the students, before finally, her need to know got the better of her. She whipped her sharp stick out and poked him again in the ribs. He reacted quickly and saw her trying to hide the shaft of wood behind her.

"Give me that!" he scowled at her meaning to confiscate it.

The game was up! She had been caught red handed, so she did the only thing a Rukia Kuchiki could do when caught. She cut her losses and jabbed him again in the stomach. He flinched before chasing after the small, fleeing form. Rukia turned around and poked him again and again. Not really wanting to hurt her, Ichigo settled for grabbing her and throwing the tiny weight over his shoulder.

She kept poking and poking away at his ribs and he kept squirming and screaming. In retribution he grabbed her slim waist with his one free hand and squeezed it. It was then Rukia found out what tickling was and that she was ticklish, very ticklish. She wriggled and screamed and laughed and cursed simultaneously, still poking away madly at Ichigo. They looked rather comical to the class who had now stopped to watch this unusual perpendicular lambada.

Reactively she stabbed her sharp stick into the one place he really wouldn't appreciate. He howled and threw her off him. She landed facing a rather red faced Ichigo, legs together holding his sore posterior with one hand.

"Damn you!" he screamed breathlessly as he went to lunge at her.

Some smart student decided then to give her tips. "Say 'Stupefy!'" the anonymous voice called out.

Rukia watched as an annoyed Ichigo leapt towards her, murder in his eyes. She wasn't sure how to do it but she tried. "STUPEFY!" she called out.

Maybe she shouldn't have used so much reiatsu. Ichigo eyes lost consciousness mid flight as the light struck him. He fell heavily on Rukia's minute frame and crushed her under his weight. No one bothered to help them up. Ichigo lay on top of Rukia, he was out cold. She squirmed a little until she got enough space to breathe and she wondered how his hot breath in her ear had heated up the blood in her face so rapidly. She lay like this for a moment not daring to move. She didn't know what she was feeling at that moment but there was one thing she had decided then.

Yep! Sharp Stick was indeed her friend!

**End**

**A/N: Eeeeww. Not the most fluffy of fluff and kinda wrong.**


	16. Boot Camp

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**-Warning this one contains gratuitous swearing- read on at own peril (and to find out why)**

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 16: - Boot Camp**

It had been one month since the grand ball. Ichigo had finally understood what the premise for this school was and was secretly grateful for the assistance of Rukia in the field of spells. Having Rukia as an assistant teacher for DADA allowed the students to learn Kidou spells and allowed Soul Society to learn about wand magic. It was a symbiotic relationship beneficial to both parties. Or so they thought. Ichigo however was still serious about making certain that his class was able to defend against dark arts, whatever that was and so he had garnered special permission from Dumbledore to start one class as a test subject for his special training regime. On Dumbledore's advice he had hand picked the people in this class that were now participating in this semi military style course.

Ichigo took to his job with the vehemence of a drill sergeant. This was due in part to Rukia who, in anticipation to Ichigo's training regime had bought him a small pocket book in her excitement. He had read it in one night, seeing as he thought 'Major Mao's 101 ways to abuse a trainee into shape' would be the perfect supplement to his prepared curriculum. At the beginning they had started off lightly, doing exercises and running laps, carrying a light 10kg load on their backs. Obstacle courses were run while Rukia fired White Lightning at them. Crying and retching cadets were dealt with swiftly, either with a sharp kick of Ichigo's boot or a hefty uppercut from Rukia. By now they were up to 20kg loads.

Hand to hand combat was taught alongside weapons combat. Ichigo encouraged them to curse their opponent, spit, scratch, eye gouge, fight dirty, whatever was needed to win. He reasoned that when they were finally fighting to defend their lives, they should fight to win and not to look good. It would take him years to teach them formal martial arts so he thought this style of fighting would be a better compromise and faster to teach. Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom had taken to this with a vengeance although their actual skills and strengths were pathetic.

It was what the little book termed as 'mental conditioning' that Ichigo found he really excelled at. His trademark scowl was perfect for the task and he took to it like a duck to water. He thought he was helping ingrain a warrior spirit into his students, after all that's what it said in the book. It was a published book so it must have been written by a professional. _Right?_

"All I see before me are a bunch of retarded, shit kicking, slug monkeys!" Ichigo screamed at the eight standing stiffly before him. "By the time I finish with you maggot infested excuses for a busted condom, you'll all become MEN! REAL MEN!"

Hermione went to complain but was abruptly stopped by the booming voice of Ichigo. "SHUT THE HELL UP GRANGER!! You, I'll train _you_ till all the crap is outta your nappies and your balls are as big as your TITS!"

Cho Chang, Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood cringed at the thought but decided against complaining. They boys suppressed a laugh.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY BOYS!!" Ichigo turned to roar at the boys. "I've seen turds tougher than the anal accidents that you use for a spine!"

Ichigo started pacing. "Soon you all won't be useless shit kicking slime…"

"ICHIGO!" Rukia yelled out, horrified.

"What?"

"You used the same swear word twice." She replied pointing to a section in the book. "Look it says not to use the same swear word more than once. You're not trying to teach them new curses, you're trying to desensitize, condition and..."

"Do not undermine my authority!" He demanded of Rukia, seething angrily.

She was not amused by his sudden anger towards her. "I am not undermining your authority, I am overriding your stupidity!"

"WHAT!" Ichigo staggered, "Fine then I override your stupidity for undermining my authority!"

She kicked him in the shins, punched him in the stomach and uppercut him. She watched as he slowly fell backwards before jumping onto his body and pinning his arms with her own. Leaning closely towards him, Ichigo could feel her hot breath on his lips as she spoke. "That… was undermining _your_ authority."

She smiled at him as she leaned in closer, their lips barely an inch apart. Ichigo blushed and pretended to scowl. Unconsciously, he began to lean forward towards her.

SLAP!! The sound echoed across the yard as a red handprint appeared on Ichigo's face. Rukia grinned and stood up, getting off Ichigo.

"And that… was overriding _your_ stupidity!"

**End**

**A/N: Gratuitous I know! Tell me what you think! Was the shortest so far. )**


	17. The Power Of Fear

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 17: - The Power Of Fear**

Rukia lectured the class on various monsters as Ichigo sat back watching her. Dumbledore had brought it to their attention that they actually needed to supply practical experience to the students to better prepare them for DADA. He recommended that if they wanted, they could start with easier monsters that he knew the class could handle. After all it had only been about a month that Rukia was introduced to wand magic.

"Class, today we will be defeating a small monster which I know you have all defeated before." Rukia began. "Please treat this as a review."

The class groaned in disappointment. "Yeah…"

"YES WHAT!!?" Ichigo snapped as he dragged out a trunk.

"SIR! YES SIR!!" The class snapped back at Rukia.

Ichigo smiled through his scowl at Rukia, a challenge clear in his eyes. Rukia ignored him and continued addressing the class. "Can anybody tell me what is in that trunk there?" Rukia asked the class in general.

"A BOGGART! SIR!" The class replied at the same time.

Rukia was unsure if being called _sir _was a good thing or a bad thing but decided to let it go. A knocking sound came from the trunk as it rattled around a little. Pointing at Hermione Granger, Rukia got the girl to step forward and be the first to defeat the Boggart. "Does everyone know how to defeat this monster?" she thought to double check one last time before proceeding.

"SIR! YES SIR!!"

Rukia shook her head sighing. Although she had been briefed on what to expect, the whole concept of this exercise was ridiculous to her. A ridiculous monster, defeated using ridiculous means, using a ridiculous spell with ridiculous end results sounded, well… ridiculous to her.

She motioned for Ichigo to open the trunk and begin the lesson. At least she and Ichigo had their Zanpaktou's with them so if things went sour, there was always the Shinigami method of problem solving to fall back on.

Out jumped a shapeless form in front of Hermione. By now Hermione merely glanced at the form impassively as it slowly shifted shape, grew and grew and grew some more. It formed facial features and a large sword, its hair turned orange and the scowl was familiar to everyone in the room. "So this was Hermione's greatest fear" Rukia thought to herself "Ichigo sure had an effect on them in only a month or so."

The monster turned an evil eye on Hermione and bellowed, "GET DOWN AND GIMME 1000 PUSH UPS NOW!!"

Calmly Hermione turned her wand on the beastly Ichigo and called out "Riddikulus!"

The Boggart-Ichigo turned into a little naked baby, sucking it's toes as it cried. Moving to Cho Chang next, Rukia watched in surprise as the Boggart again transformed into Ichigo, before she promptly cast her spell, "Riddikulus!"

Rukia stifled a giggle as she watched Boggart-Ichigo prance around in a ballerina tutu, complete with poor makeup and pink slippers. Ichigo was not too impressed, but there was nothing he could do, after all if this was what they feared most…

They watched as Ron Weasley got up next. They laughed at a Boggart-Ichigo dressed in a clown outfit, big red nose and curly rainbow afro hair, rode around on a tiny monocycle, juggling. The class laughed as each person got up and more iterations of Ichigo appeared.

There was sexy, polka dotted, yellow two piece, bikini wearing Ichigo, lounging lazily on the floor running its hand through his orange hair from Neville Longbottom.

A naked Ichigo ran around clucking, his privates covered in thick feathers, acting like he was a chicken was courtesy of Ginny Weasley.

Harry Potter provided a black spandex Ichigo, with a black top hat and white make up acting the part of a pantomime. It looked comical pretending to be trapped behind a glass wall that wasn't there.

Luna Lovegood created a flower sporting, baggy pants wearing, unshaven hippy Ichigo with a tattoo of a love heart on his arm. His eyes were droopy and bloodshot and a _cigarette_ of sorts hung out of his mouth. The students laughed when the hippy Ichigo moaned, "Dude… I got me a monster cravin' for a… big mac!"

The real Ichigo was furious by this stage but had decided to be patient. It was nearly be over as the last person in their special class stepped forward. Draco Malfoy gulped as the Boggart changed shape and much to Rukia's surprise, it didn't become Ichigo. The shape grew but was still rather small. It's head sprouted bright pink hair on a girly face, a large mischievous grin plastered across her face. Rukia and Ichigo recognized the features immediately, Yachiru Kusajishi.

The Boggart-Yachiru jumped at him hugging him tightly as it squealed in delight and spun him around by the arms. Malfoy's repeated castings of the Riddikulus charm seeming to not do anything. Changing her from a tutu wearing princess to a baby doll wearing infant to a red faced clown only seemed to excite her more. Then desperate he tried envisioning something else. "Riddikulus!" he called out one more time.

The boggart-Yachiru appeared all of a sudden in a business suit, it's face stern as it adjusted her glasses. Turning around in her high heels, her hair tied into a tight bun on top of her head, she went to sit down at the table and proceeded to do _paperwork_.

"NO WAY!!" Rukia and Ichigo chimed together.

**End**

**A/N: HAHAHAHA! I hope you thought it was funny! Tell me what you think! Do you wanna see Ichigo's and Rukia's worst fears?**


	18. Fear Of The Fearless

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 18: - Fear Of The Fearless**

Rukia and Ichigo watched as the class finished and slowly made their way out of the classroom. Curious, Rukia held Ichigo back from leaving just yet. "Ichigo… Wanna see what our fears are?" Rukia asked all doey eyed.

"I already know. It's those damn horrid drawings of yours!" Ichigo snappily replied.

He attempted to leave the room but was hauled back in by the collar, almost falling over in the process. "Don't tell me you're afraid, Ichi-Big Man-go?" Rukia goaded.

Ichigo grimaced. He didn't like being thought of as cowardly by anyone, least of all Rukia. "Fine." He relented.

Walking back into the room Rukia pulled out her wand in preparation as Ichigo once again brought out the trunk. Making sure there was no one watching, Rukia motioned for Ichigo to begin.

Ichigo flipped the trunk open and the formless shape of the Boggart plopped onto the floor. It began to slowly take shape growing larger by the second. Rukia fought back her panic as the figure became more recognizable. A lone Shinigami crawled towards her, leaving a trail of blood where it had slid on the floor. It's cracked hollow mask revealing portions of Hollow face underneath it. It's cracked lips seemed to call Rukia's name through it's extremely long tongue. It's jagged hair was undecided in colour, flashing from black to orange to black again. It was writhing in it's own blood, slowly and painfully dying.

"Kaien… Ichigo…No!..." Rukia stuttered.

Although she knew what to expect after watching the class, actually facing her fears and staying calm was another matter all together. Forcing herself to think '_happy thoughts_' as Dumbledore instructed, she raised her wand and prepared her incantation. "Riddikulus!"

There was a momentary pause before the Boggart-Ichigo-Kaien changed shape. It sat up now in a relaxed position, actually smiling and laughing! A Chappy the Bunny was sitting next to it showing off it's many drawings it had done to the now healthy Boggart-Ichigo-Kaien who in turn, was happily agreeing with it. "That's an awesome picture!" it said.

"What the hell!!" Ichigo eye's almost left their sockets to go for a walk. The veins on his temple threatened to explode under the sudden influx of massive amounts of blood. "Don't insult my intelligence!"

Instinctually, Ichigo swung the large blade from his back and in an almighty swing, cleaved the bunny in two. Red decorated the walls and floor.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Rukia wailed mournfully, "YOU KILLED MY CHAPPY!! YOU MONSTER!!"

Even more instinctually than Ichigo she gave him a tear inducing kick to the shins.

"OW! You bitch! What are you doing? That's not the real Chappy that's a monster!". Ichigo complained. Under his breath, making sure she couldn't hear he added, "Although I wish it were."

Flustered, she stepped aside, embarrassed by her erroneous reaction and allowed Ichigo a turn. One Boggart was permanently killed, never again able to be used by students, for practice banishments. Furthermore, Ichigo had done it without use of a single spell. Dumbledore would not be too happy, Rukia was sure of it. But Ichigo had seen her greatest fear and she decided that to stop now, would be letting Ichigo off too lightly.

Rukia dragged the second trunk forward, fumbling with the lock in an attempt to get it open. Ichigo was slightly nervous as his mind raced through all his potential fears. Orihime's cooking, Ishida beating him, sparring Kenpachi, muppets with their beady eyes, were some of the thoughts that came to mind.

What he finally saw left him completely shell shocked. Before him stood the familiar figure of himself, dressed in a bleach white Shinigami Uniform, with pale white skin, white hair and black eye's highlighting catlike, yellow pupils completing its demonic look. Ichigo gritted his teeth in anger, this was a fear, but it was a fear he'd face in actuality before. The Boggart-Hollow-Ichigo leered at him. Ichigo prepared to launch himself at it but he was stopped in his tracks. From behind it's back it pulled out a drawing pad and textas and within a matter of seconds had drawn a dozen pictures that a three year old would be proud of. Bunnies and bear-bunnies lined the room fluttering around Ichigo, the scene, like a hyper colour underworld.

Ichigo closed his eyes and screamed pitifully. "NOOOO!!! NOT THE DAMNED DRAWINGS!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"

"Riddikulus!" Rukia incanted nonchalantly, unimpressed by Ichigo's outburst.

**End**

**A/N: Well there's not many things the two are afraid of so I had to use the obvious…with a twist! Haha! I got a fruit pun in and it's not Strawberries! Hey muppets are scary alright! **

**PS. DAMMIT! I JUST SAW THE NEW OP AND EP CLIP FOR BLEACH 106!! MORE DAMNED FILLERS!!! AND COMPETITION FOR RUKIA BY THE LOOKS OF IT!!**


	19. Special Hogwarts Service

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 19: - Special Hogwarts Service**

Dumbledore offered his guests some tea as they sat down in the comfy chairs in front of his table. He had summoned Ichigo and Rukia early this morning to discuss some important matters with them. In truth he had come across an idea after watching a fascinating muggle movie and sought to implement some of the ideas from the movie into his academy.

"Kurosaki-san, Kuchiki-san. Thank you for coming at such short notice." Dumbledore greeted them amicably. "I have some very important things to discuss with you two."

"Discuss?" Ichigo asked uncomfortably. He had the feeling he'd done something but he couldn't quite remember having done anything wrong.

"Well not really discuss. It's more a favour." Dumbledore leaned over to pour some tea for the three of them.

"If it's anything we could help with, feel free to ask." Rukia offered.

"As you know, Voldemort has become increasingly active these past few years." Dumbledore winced at the name. "His spate of random muggle killings has increased in number and intensity. We fear it is only a matter of time before he turns his eyes to Hogwarts and attacks here directly."

"So why don't you just attack him first?" Ichigo asked. "The best defense is a good offense. Or so I've heard."

"Well, I've been thinking we should do that." Dumbledore smiled, a knowing glint in his eye. "Which is why I've asked you two to come here. You see, in our efforts to attack Voldemort, our traditional methods are becoming less effective. He always seems prepared against them and is able to somehow slip our grasp. That's why I've been thinking, we need to create a special division within in this school trained specifically to defeat threats like him and I want you two to create it."

"Special Division? Like Commandoes?" Ichigo was now a little more than curious.

"Yes, I suppose."

"What do you plan to name the division, Professor Dumbledore?" Rukia had already started to acclimatize herself to her new environment.

"Well I thought about that for a long time. It has to be a name the division can be proud of, something that will inspire them to try their best for the unit. I finally came up with the perfect name!" Dumbledore smile grew. "Hogwarts Heroes!"

"Nope that won't do" Ichigo laughed. "People will laugh at that when they hear it. Trust me!"

Dumbledore frowned, unsure of why people would laugh at such a regal sounding name. "Well what do you suggest then?"

"Well," Ichigo began as he thought of all the famous squad names out loud. "All the special forces have really cool sounding names. Like the Navy SEALS, the 75th Airborne Rangers, Australian SAS, British SAS, Gurkhas, Green Berets to name a few."

"I see… " Rukia mused. "So that's the naming criteria."

"How about the 'Black Hats' then?" Dumbledore thought out loud. It seems the wizarding world had a different concept of what was a cool name.

"Nope. That's lame. Sounds more like a mob name." Ichigo replied.

"How about the 'Hogwarts Bunnies'?" Rukia added hopefully.

"NO! No bunnies."

"Why not? You mentioned Navy Seals before."

"That's an acronym Rukia! Each letter in SEALS stands for something." Ichigo responded irritably. "It's a special forces division of the US Navy, it stands for Sea, Air and Land!"

"Where did the 'E' come from?" Rukia asked innocently.

Ichigo was losing his cool. Clenching his fist in front of Rukia's face, he answered her through his grinding teeth. "From.. the.. Sea!"

"What about the '76th Broomsticks Brigade'?" Dumbledore inquired trying to diffuse the tension between the two.

"I like the number thing, but that sounds like a house cleaning service."

"What about 'Hogwarts K.I.K.R.'" asked Rukia.

"What's K.I.K.R.?" Ichigo questioned her.

"Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia. After all we will be their instructors."

"You can't just name a unit after ourselves! That's not how it's done! Not only that, they say the family name last here so it'd be I.K.R.K or R.K.I.K and it still sounds terrible." Ichigo was losing his patience. "For example SAS stands for Special Air Service. That makes sense." Of course he didn't feel like explaining that even though it was called an air service it was actually part of the army. He had enough headaches right now as it was.

Rukia looked to Dumbledore for ideas before finally smiling and exclaiming out loud. "How about the C.H.A.P.P.I.E.S! It stands for the 'Combined Hogwarts Assault Preventing People Intent on Evil Services?"

"NO DAMNED BUNNIES RUKIA!" Ichigo steamed. "You're just fitting the acronym to the damned name and even still you ignored the damned 'O'. And just cause you added Service doesn't make it military or even a cool name!"

"Hey look! If the US Navy can stick an 'E' in when there wasn't one there before, I can sure as hell miss an 'O' for a small word!" Rukia glared at him defying him to argue against that logic.

Ichigo grimaced and shut his eyes willing himself to calm down. Dumbledore thought to be helpful. "How about we compromise, Kurosaki-san and use a little of each idea. A number, an acronym and a name. What do you think of the '76th SHS Commandoes'?"

"SHS?" Both Rukia and Ichigo asked simultaneously.

"Yes. The 'Special Hogwarts Service'"

"Yeah, I like that." Ichigo sounded it out several times in his head. "I could see students being proud of that title. Except the 76 bit. That's a stupid number! You don't have any other special forces so we should just stick with the 1st. So it should be the '1st SHS Commandoes' division."

They were finally all happy with that name, except for Rukia who still wanted to have a rabbit in there somehow, even going so far as to offer to draw up a unit badge design for them. Ichigo nipped that idea in a bud forcefully and very quickly.

And that's how, after so many generations of existence, that Hogwarts finally found itself training up a special forces division.

**End**

**A/N: If anyone wants to know I envisioned that magic or no, you can't shake the love and need to own a 72inch flat screen plasma screen TV with full surround sound! Hence Dumbledore has one. This story came about after watching 'Commando' and 'Navy Seals' back to back and playing too much BF2 SF.**


	20. Meditate Or Die

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 20: - Meditate Or Die!**

Ichigo and Rukia watched the class carefully as they sat on the large rock by the stream. It was a warm spring morning and after 2 months of heavy training the special class had finally reached the 30kg load for training. Today was different, today Ichigo thought to put them through some intense meditation practice in an attempt to get them to communicate with their souls. This was his 1st SHS Commandoes division and he wanted it to be the best.

The forest clearing they were in, had been especially cleared and reconstructed to suit today's training regime. A waterfall was set up at one end of the stream and as requested the water was set to 8 degrees Celsius. The group of 8 hand picked by Ichigo sat numbly under the torrential downpour. They were cold and shivering but their instructors had forbidden them to leave their meditations. Dressed only in T-shirts and shorts they were drenched as the artic water pounded on their heads.

"Wh…What are… we… doing?" Ron managed to whisper to Harry through his chattering teeth.

"W… We're… supposed to… to find some… thing in our… souls." Hermione answered for Harry as she was habitually doing.

"Be quiet!" Rukia shouted at them. "I can't believe a little cold can make you lose so much concentration!" So said she who was one with the snows.

"Look," Ichigo tried to explain again, "You all gotta just focus on blocking out the cold. That's the idea behind meditation. Then ya can speak to your soul self and draw out your powers."

"Your reiatsu right now is pathetic." Rukia went on to explain. "That's why you need wands to cast spells. They're kind of like reiatsu amplifiers from what the 12th Division has told me. So we need to quickly get your spirit power up quickly before we can get to the next stage of training."

"Ya bunch of wusses! Stop complaining about the cold and hurry up and meditate." Ichigo was getting infuriated. He was spending way too much time on what should have been an easy exercise compared to his usual training regime. "Your soul form is easiest to find when you're nearly dead. Just remember the red string thing and you'll be fine. So stop complaining already!"

The class didn't like the sound of nearly having to die to see their soul self. In all honesty, it terrified them. Cho Chang thinking to change the morbid subject asked, "Kurosaki-sensei. How long did you meditate to get your powers?"

"I didn't."

"Th... Th… Then… how come… we have to?" Malfoy asked in a rattled whine.

"Because, It's the easiest way." Rukia answered him tiredly.

"S… S… So there are… other ways?" Hermione looked hopefully at the instructors.

Ichigo knew where the conversation was heading so in resignation he thought to give them the choices. "Fine. Look, I'll tell you what they are and you can choose which method you want to use. Okay?"

The class nodded. "Firstly," Ichigo began, "I can knock your soul out of your body then cut your chain of fate separating your body from your soul."

"Separating?... D… Does… that mean…" Neville Longbottom froze at his conclusion.

"Yes. You'll be effectively dead. But then I throw your soul into a deep, deep pit with your arms bound and you have 72 hours to find your powers. Or else…" Ichigo let the statement linger.

"Or else… w… w… what 'appens, Kurosaki-sensei?" Ron asked through his cold stutter.

"You'll turn into a monster in which case, I'll have to kill you!" Ichigo replied matter-of-factly. "So anyone want to try that method?"

All heads shook as one. Ichigo continued, "Well the second method is for me to transfer some of my own reiatsu to you…"

"Well that…. s… s… s…sounds promising." Malfoy interrupted, sneezing as he did.

"…by sticking my Zanpaktou through your heart. If all goes well hopefully you won't die. Anyone want to try this method?" Ichigo waved his large sword around in thrusting motions to demonstrate. Everyone shook their heads in no again! Shrugging he added, "Well it worked for me and Rukia originally. She stabbed me right through the heart."

Rukia beamed at his strange compliment, mimicking his actions with her own blade. Ichigo paced around a little before going on. "The last method is for me to beat the crap outta you until you find your powers. If you fail I will kill you. After all they can only manifest like that if your life is in real danger." Swinging his sword around in practiced strokes he turned back to the class. "So anyone want to try that method? I'm more than happy to help out."

Again no takers. Ichigo frustrated his elaborate explanations had gotten nowhere spluttered out in disgust, "Geez ya pansies! Make up your damned mind! It's a simple choice really, Meditate or Die! Not much easier than that!"

The class stared at him uneasily. They had decided that meditation was indeed the best option, some already going back to the hard task under those freezing conditions. A sadistic thought crossed Ichigo's mind as a way of motivating his students. "And if no one can call forth their powers in 2 days by meditating, we'll have to use one of the other methods to manifest your powers!"

**End**

**A/N: Next Chapter, the return of Toshiro and a special guest who heard of Hogwarts reputation. What did you think of this chapter? **


	21. Special Guests

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 21: - Special Guests**

Toshiro Hitsugaya looked around the large field in Seireitei. There was no one around so Toshiro drew out his Zanpaktou and opened a gate. He shut his eyes and forced himself to control his patience. The reiatsu that appeared behind was all too familiar.

"Can I help you?" Toshiro asked without looking back.

"Oh, don't mind me Captain Hitsugaya," cooed the sweet voice of Captain Shunsui Kyouraku.

As Toshiro slowly opened his eyes and turned to face the older captain, he shook his head. Captain Kyouraku had exchanged his captains robes for what looked like a pair of dark trousers and a dark blazer over a pink shirt. His cuffs were outside the blazer and folded back over it, unbuttoned. So was his shirt, being buttoned only up to the middle of his chest, showing ample skin.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Toshiro hesitated to ask.

"I just felt like going for a walk on this fine day, I never thought I'd meet you here!" Shunsui smiled lavishly. "So what brings you to this fine meadow and… opening a gate I see?"

"I… had some business to attend to in the real world."

"Ah, I see, I see." Shunsui fake grin told Toshiro that he already knew. "At Hogwarts?"

"None of your business." Toshiro threatened.

"Oh, Come on Hitsugaya-kun, don't be like that." Shunsui pleaded. "How could you be so cruel to me?"

"Cruel?"

"Well, Vice Captain Abarai seems to have come back a little star struck, Hinamori-kun looks at you differently, Captain Kuchiki always seems to get owls visiting him and Yachiru can't seem to stop talking about this new boy she met. Makes me wonder what kind of wom… I mean, place this Hogwarts is."

"No." Toshiro replied.

"I suppose I can't go with you then," Shunsui sighed. "I mean, I'm sure Commander Yamamoto would only approve such a visit for a very important reason."

Toshiro knew a threat when he heard one. Resignedly, he closed his eyes and agreed. "Okay, but please don't cause me any trouble."

"I swear on it!" Shunsui raised his hand up.

As they arrived in Hogwarts through the gate, they were greeted by the sight of the half giant, Hagrid, giving a lesson to a gaggle of students. They seemed to be handling some sort of giant tortoise with jewels over it's shell. "The Fire Crab 'as a triple X ratin'," Hagrid instructed the class. "As the Ministry 'as protected 'em by magical law."

Some of the class got a little closer to look at the wondrous creatures, one girl in particular got a little too close, marveling at the gems on the animals back. A blast of magical flame erupted from the rear of the crab almost engulfing the young teenager. The class screamed as Hagrid moved to restrain the beast. Before anyone could blink, the girl was carried safely away, bridal style, in the arms of a ruggedly handsome stranger. As Shunsui put her down, he clutched at his heart as he collapsed onto the girls shoulder. "Alas!" he moaned. "I have been wounded by the flame. But it has been worth it, if my life was used to save one as beautiful as you! I can die-"

"You don't look injured." Toshiro interrupted, "If anything, I think one who can stand in the presence of Commander Yamamoto's shikai can stand a little flame like that."

"Oh! Then how fortunate indeed," Shunsui looked wildly surprised. He turned his gaze on the young girl in his arms, "I only hope that you haven't been injured. Heaven forbid should your perfect beauty be marred-"

"Captain Kyouraku!" Toshiro sternly objected. "Your word!?"

Smiling, Shunsui placed the girl gently back on her feet. She managed to squeak out her gratitude, through her flaming cheeks.

"Captain 'itsugaya! It's been a while eh!" Hagrid bellowed jovially at the small captain. 'ho's yer friend?"

Shunshui took this as an invitation to introduce himself. With much flourish, he bowed. "My name is Shunsui Kyouraki," he ran a sugared smile over the girls, his voice like candy. "I am but a humble _hero_, wandering from place to place, seeking _adventure_ and the promise of _romance_!"

Toshiro gagged, half the girls squealed delightedly, the other half silently blushed. A large thickly set boy with a rather terrible haircut scoffed at him. "Ha! Bet ya got buckley's 'a getting' any _romance_." Vincent Crabbe placed a demeaning emphasis on the last word.

Shunsui shed a single tear, looking forlornly at the class. "It is true," he painfully uttered. "For who could love one such as I"

"Oh but I'm sure _one day_ you'll meet her!" one girl gushed.

"You never know, it may even be today!" Another girl blushed as her classmate stared ill will at her.

"Your kind words mean so much to me. They touch me so…" Shunsui almost sang the words as he reached into his blazer and pulled out two long stemmed, sun-deep Tulips for each of the girls. Moving to within inches of their faces he sighed, "If only that were true…"

His eyes glazed over as if lost in deep thought. He stared off into the distance with a sad smile. Toshiro's eyes twitched as he thought to himself, "I can't believe he came prepared!"

Noticing the effect he was having on the class, particularly the female members of the class, Toshiro decided to save them from the rascal. "Ahem!" He interjected, "We should get going to see Professor Dumbledore first, Captain Kyouraku."

Shunsui looked sullen as he sulked off behind Toshiro. The girls all gazed at him, misty eyed, as he walked away.

"Captain 'itsugaya!" Hagrid's large voice boomed, "I take it you shall be comin' 'round me cabin tonight!"

Shunsui watched as Toshiro's face brightened to a beet red colour.

"Yes." Toshiro answered trying to keep his voice from quavering.

Shunsui merely raised an eyebrow to this and shrugged his shoulders.

"Whatever makes you happy," Shunsui flippantly added. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

**End**

**A/N: Sorry this one took a while! I have been busy with work. Coming next is some ahh… _spanking!_ See you then! )**


	22. A Spanking Is In Order

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 22: - A Spanking Is In Order**

Toshiro Hitsugaya really regretted bringing Shunsui Kyouraku with him to Hogwarts, but it was unavoidable. Shunsui had intercepted and essentially, blackmailed him into tagging along. Now the older captain was acting like a child running through the junk food section of a supermarket. Shunsui's legs were even wobblier than wheels on a shopping cart as they _never_ failed to swerve towards one _sweetie_ to another.

By now Shunsui's natural charisma had earned him a sizeable fan following as girls stared at him from around corners and gifts came to him by owls every morning. They had been at the school now for almost three days and every day had been a laborious one for Toshiro. Not only had he given in to Hyourinmaru's constant nagging to see Betty but he now also had to put up with Shunsui's ostentatious flirtations with everything that walked by in heels and a skirt.

What Toshiro didn't know was that he himself had started to develop a small fan group. His icy cool demeanor only served to arouse the females curiosity and add mystery to his cute stature and childlike charms.

"Excuse me?" a small, mousey, ash blond girl tapped Toshiro on the shoulder. "These are for you."

She handed him a small parcel before running off giggling. Toshiro looked surprised as he opened the package to find a box of candy and a note. His face turned the colour of the Hogwarts Express train as he read the note.

"You've got quite a few admirers yourself, Captain Hitsugaya." Shunsui commented with a knowing grin painted on his face.

"They're just kids." Toshiro replied defensively.

"Aren't you?"

"Hey! I'm nearly a hundred!"

As they neared the corner of the building on the way to see Professor Dumbledore again, they heard the familiar gasps and footfalls of a herd of females running off. "Must be for you." Toshiro stated dryly.

"Ahh… Young love!" Shunsui sighed as he placed his hands exaggeratedly over his chest.

When they rounded the corner they were met by three tall girls. The leader of the trio, a dark skinned, busty brunette stepped forward and gave them a slight bow. "Hi there." She was rather casual in her approach, "We were having some problems with our Magical Creatures homework when we heard you gentlemen are quite the experts. We were wondering if you could spare us some time to help us with it?"

"If we can do anything…_anything_ at all to help, we'd be more than happy to do it." Shunsui spoke before Toshiro could refuse her offer.

"No!" Toshiro snapped at Shunsui sharply. "We don't have time."

"Okay, then I'll go with these lovely ladies, by _myself_, while you go see Dumbledore and I'll see what I can do to help them."

Toshiro thought about this for a moment. He didn't like the thought of letting Shunsui spend time alone with three young, hormonally out of control girls by himself. Not only that, he reasoned that should Vice Captain Nanao Ise find out that he let him go alone, he was sure she would punish him as well as the frivolous Shunsui. So, with a scowl he nodded his agreement to join them. "Alright, I'll come. But only if it's quick."

"Awww!! He soooo cute when he's serious." A second brunette with spectacles and an even bigger bust swooned.

Before he could object to the use of the word '_cute_' he was engulfed in an embrace consisting of a huge percentage of soft human flesh, from the girl. The sudden loss of air made him reminisce about his own Vice Captain, Rangiku. He decided, this was a bad portend of things to come.

They finally sat down in a small room the girls declared as their dormitory room. The room was clean and sparsely furnished, most noticeably by a large king sized bed in the middle. They gathered around a small desk in close quarters under the light of a candle, in an attempt to study.

"So what is it you want us to help you with?" Toshiro asked wanting to get this over and done with quickly.

"Well," the third black haired siren sang out. "We're studying Care of Magical Creatures and we were given an assignment to do regarding the differences in physiology between genders of various creatures."

"Genders?" Toshiro looked concerned, "various creatures?"

"Yes," the bespectacled brunette purred as she wiggled closer to Toshiro, unfastening the buttons on her blouse. "_Any_ and _all creatures_ we could name."

"We were hoping the two of you could _educate_ us to the various _biological _differences," the blonde eyed Shunsui hungrily as she leaned closer to him, her robe slowly falling off her slim shoulders. "Hogwarts doesn't exactly have the best biology course in the world you know. We _barely _know anything about the opposite sex."

"We'd be more than happy to _show_ you!" Shunsui answered for the two males in the room.

"NO!" Toshiro protested. "I will not tolerate such behaviour! Especially from one in your position Captain Kyouraku!"

The asian succubus' eyes narrowed seductively. "What _position_ is that?" she asked as she wrapped her bare leg around the small captain. "Have we been bad?"

"Do we need to be punished?" The trio of girls chimed in together. "Are we going to be spanked?"

Shunsui seemed to perk up at the idea. "Yes, they're right. They have been bad! They need to be punished."

Toshiro turned his head away to hide his colour. He was rudely grabbed from behind and a hot breath, too close to his ear for his liking cooed, "Please, I'm sorry we've been bad. It's all my fault. As the oldest here I accept all their punishment on myself… You can spank me!"

"And ME!" the asian joined in.

"Me too!" the brunette squealed as she dragged the squirming Toshiro and excited Shunsui towards the bed.

A sharp pain on the men's ears alerted them to the presence of new comers to the room. Dragged by their ears off the bed, they could do little in protest but shout in pain. The familiar cold tone of Nanao Ise echoed within the small dark room. "Ahem!... Don't worry ladies. We'll make sure they're properly punished."

"Nanao-chan!!" Shunsui whimpered. "Please let go of our ears. It hurts."

When the men looked up to the doorway they saw a disapproving Professor Dumbledore standing beside a distraught looking Momo Hinamori. The small girl's eyes were moist ridden and she trembled slightly, "Shiro-kun… I didn't know you were into _that_ kind of thing."

"NO!" Toshiro tried to explain, "It's not what it looks like!... I… we've been had!"

"Oh… no…" Momo was barely audible.

"HAD!" Nanao screamed. "What do you mean _had_?"

Nanao, although small, was a demon when she was angry. Her dark hair, tied in a tight bun and glasses gave the impression of a well mannered secretary. Most times she was, but when riled, hell's fury was preferable. After all she had to be like that to stomach being Shunsui's Vice Captain for so long.

"Please, Nanao-chan. You must calm down." Shunsui tried to placate his vice captain.

"CALM DOWN!!" her fury erupted. "You've been gone three days. Not a word said. We were all worried so I came to find you. And here you are gallivanting about the country side with these… these… HUSSIES!" She turned her demonic aura on the girls preventing any sort of argument against her choice of words.

"But… Nanao-chan-"

"-NO BUTS!" she interrupted Shunsui. "It's not bad enough that you're like this, but to lead Hitsugaya-kun astray as well…"

"Don't call me Hitsugaya-kun! It's Captain Hitsugaya!" Toshiro griped.

"Three days," Nanao tried to restrain her anger. "THREE DAYS! The two of you have neglected your duties. Three days of paperwork that hasn't been done! What are we going to do with you two?"

By now Momo's eyes were shiny and her innocent child like face had become an emotionless mask from shock. "Shiro-chan," she began to lecture him sternly, like a mother would a naughty child. "You've been bad and must be punished!"

Momo repeatedly slapped a pair of handcuffs she suddenly had in her hands, menacingly at Toshiro who had become quite pale at the sight. Nanao also pulled out a whip from her kimono and waved it evilly before Shunsui's eyes. Her own eyes promised pain, "Don't worry, _Captains_. We're only going to make you catch up on your paperwork."

As she cracked her whip leaving burn marks on the floor, her last words contained a trace of the malevolent.

"We promise you boys, there'll be NO SPANKING!"

**End**

**A/N: Ooooh! Bad, bad innuendoes on my part! Sorry! Must be getting perverted in my old age.**


	23. Abysmal Effort

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_I'll be updating this series when I can instead now! I'm getting busy with work so I need to make time. Sorry guys and girls!_**

**Short 23: - Abysmal Efforts**

A month had passed and there was still no results from the mediation that Ichigo and Rukia had taught the class. As promised Ichigo was forced to use the alternative methods he had mentioned. By the luck of the draw Harry had been selected to be the first to participate. The method chosen had seen Harry soul forcibly separated from his body courtesy of Rukia and her glove. His soul was still attached however to his body by what seemed to be a long chain from his chest to his chest. As expected for children who could see ghosts, they all watched in horror as their instructor, Kurosaki sensei, chased Harry around with boxing gloves on. His punches ripping up mounds of earth and felling trees as he struck.

"C'mon Potter!" Ichigo bellowed. "Fight back ya big girl!"

Harry was running frantically around sure that the small head protector and gloves he had worn were merely decoration. Screaming he leapt to the side as another one of Ichigo's fury packed punches detonated the tree beside him. The class watched not daring to breathe a word lest Ichigo turn his fury on them. It was only now that they realized their teacher had in fact all this time been a spirit. A spirit so dense that he showed no signs of translucency.

At length Hermione finally worked up the courage to support her friend. "C'mon Harry! Sock 'em one!"

Harry panting heavily, dodged a final flurry of punches before an opportunity to counterattack. Ichigo stance widened slightly as his punch missed by a fraction yet again. Taking the opportunity, Harry raised his leg in a swift kick to Ichigo's groin. Striking, he saw the pupils in his teachers eyes dilate as his face paled. Ichigo turned and struck in one move. Harry squinted knowing his life was about to end and waited for the hit to come. When he opened his eyes, he saw that he had been carried safely away by Rukia.

"SAFE!!" she called out.

Looking back the area he had been had become a crater of sorts as Ichigo's punch decimated it into rubble. Ichigo looked a little peeved but then again he did teach these guys to fight dirty and Harry had shown his skill at the subject.

"Alright! Lesson one passed." Ichigo explained through clenched teeth. "A soul will naturally raise it's own spirit power when it's in danger of dying. You should be able to move and breathe easily right now, correct, Potter?"

Harry could only nod. Ichigo scowled at Harry again. "_Correct_, Potter?!"

"SIR, YES SIR!"

"Good now we can get to the second phase," Ichigo spoke as he swung his massive Zanpaktou down, severing Harry's chain from his body.

Harry stared wide eyed, "Hey! Doesn't that mean I'm dead!"

Ichigo grinned at Harry, "Yes. And eventually you'll turn into a Hollow meaning I'd really have to kill you then." He waved his sword in Harry's face. "But if you want to live, you have to find your own Shinigami powers with your own hands. To do that you must come here."

Harry and the class wondered where their teachers were leading them to. Walking deeper into the Dark Forest, curiosity overcame their sense of fear. Finally they happened upon a deep, dark freshly dug pit. It's bottom was too far down to see. Rukia made a motion, drawing her wand out and incanting on Harry, "Demon art number 1 – Sai."

Harry was instantly held by an invisible force, his arms unable to move from behind him. Rukia smiled, "With this amplification device," she motioned, waving her wand around, "the spell should last for days."

Ichigo held Harry by the scruff of his robe as he jumped into the dark pit. On the way down Ichigo explained to him, "You have to find your Shinigami powers before three days in which time your chain will devour itself until it reaches your chest. It will then eat it's way through your chest leaving a hole where your heart should be and you'll become a Hollow. I will then proceed to kill you without holding back."

When they touched bottom, Ichigo added as he left, shunpoing his way from wall to wall back to the surface, "Remember the red string and you'll be fine!"

When he finally rejoined his class he smirked at them. "Who wants to be next?"

Everyone shook there head vigorously. Ichigo using his momentum and quite enjoying it continued on nonchalantly, "If you don't want to be next, you have three days to draw out your powers by meditation otherwise another of you will be randomly chosen to be next."

Everyone ran off to the waterfall, intent on meditating not like, but because, their lives depended on it. Ichigo had forced that impression on them that they were very dead the moment that chain was cut.

Harry knew he was so deep into the earth now that sunlight wouldn't reach him. He looked up at the small window of stars so far away in despair. Concentrating, he decided the only way out was to use the method Ichigo had, meaning he had to find his Shinigami powers and fast.

**End**

**A/N: Not so funny but crucial for the story to progress! Hopefully I have another up soon! Nice and short.**


	24. Abysmal Effort II

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**_Long chapter for a short, or a drabble or whatever it is fanfic writers call it._**

**Short 24: - Abysmal Efforts II**

Harry howled in agony as the chain of fate slowly ate itself closer to his chest. He had tried meditating to no avail. Currently all that remained of him and the blade edge of his teacher's promised sword was 6 inches of cold metal chain. His perception of time was long lost in this hell hole. He didn't know just how long it had been since he had first come down here. Ichigo's voice echoed down the shaft towards him, mockingly, "Ready to die yet? Or are ya gonna hurry up and become a Shinigami?" followed by short laughter. "Be grateful I didn't spit on ya!"

Hermione sat cross legged once more under the waterfall. Most of the class had given up for the third day in a row as the cold night air slowly descended upon them. Rukia sat nearby keeping watch over the tired students. Hermione wondered how someone so little seemed to have so much energy and power, often handling Ichigo, their dreaded teacher-come-drill-instructor with the ease of handling pet bunnies. She sighed, maybe love had something to do with it. Closing her eyes once more and concentrating, she attempted to will the cold away. Her body had nearly reached numb, her lips blue and her face a visage of one that had died for days. But there came no concern nor pity from Rukia. She felt her breath become faint and her body light. And then, she was gone.

Harry screamed once more as the pain became unbearable. The chain had started self digestion again and had now well and truly reached his chest. He felt his heart burn as it tore chunks out from it. He knew he was dead and nothing in the world could save him. He felt betrayed by his teacher Kurosaki, for leaving him in this god forsaken predicament. Gritting his teeth and mustering all his force of will, he refused his body the permission to become a Hollow, whatever that was. He struggled as a mad laughter attempted to force itself pass his lips. A white fluid seemed to blind him, half covering his face, becoming cold, hard and ceramic like on contact with his skin. He would not lose to this no matter what the cost. And then, he was gone.

Hermione looked around the enormous library. She was awed by millions upon millions of books filling row upon row of shelves. The library seemed to stretch on for an eternity in all directions but unusually it had no roof. Instead the cloudy sky outside seemed to loom overhead where ceiling should have been.

"So you have finally found me." A female voce behind her startled Hermione.

"Who are you?" Hermione asked as she turned to face the newcomer. "Where am I?"

"This is the inner world of your soul." The woman before her curtsied, "and I am ……"

Hermione stared at the woman as she seemed to mouth the last words. She was a tall, blond woman, her hair, tied up in a tight bun trailing two tightly curled sideburns framing her face. Her glasses were small silver and round and sat at the very end of her pointed nose. She wore an early Victorian dress, her waist pinned unnaturally thin as she read a book in one hand and held a parasol in the other. Hermione thought she looked amazingly like one of her childhood heroes, Mary Poppins. Long before she even found out she was a witch, she was in love with the idea of magic and now she found out why.

"I see, you still cannot hear my name," the woman sighed shaking her head in frustration. "Even after I've called out for you so many times."

"You said this is my inner world. What do you mean?"

"Exactly that. This is the world within your soul. When you are happy the world is fine and beautiful and when you are sad the heavens open up and rain down on me." A look of irritation similar to one Hermione usually held when asked a particularly dumb question splayed across her face. "Forget raining down on me when I'm the only one in this world, but raining down on my beloved books. Oh! The humanity of losing some good text books!"

"No! The horror!" Hermione almost cried then and there. "I'm so sorry."

"Enough of that for now. Seeing you here means you are ready to find your true power, me. If you can find me amongst all these books then you may draw me out, but you must hurry because your body is slowly freezing to death. Heaven forbid should you die! All my books will disappear! And do it quickly too, else that maniac of a teacher," she paused willing her anger away before continuing, "will throw you into a dark pit too, like he did Harry!"

Hermione wasted no time beginning her search. Remembering Ichigo's words, she searched for the proverbial red string in this book stack.

Harry found himself in a huge field of bushes. The smell wafting through the air was fragrant and pleasant. He let himself drink in the fumes once more, following his nose to where it smelled (1) strongest. He waded through thick, waist high shrubbery before he happened upon an old man sitting on a chair beside a small table. Two cups sat on the table and Harry realized the old man had beckoned for him to come closer. With a bit of trepidation Harry looked around and realized that everywhere he looked was low foliage. No houses, trees or any other structure could be seen and in the middle of it all was this old man. "Excuse me sir," Harry asked. "Where am I?"

"Why, you are in your inner world Harry." The old man gestured to the chair beside him. "Please sit. Have some tea"

"Thank you sir." Harry studied his surroundings. "Who are you?"

"I am ……"

Harry cocked his head at old man miming the last words. His finally pressed suit and large top hat gat him the air of a statesman from the 19th century. His white moustache and smile wrinkled face gave him the countenance of a loving grandfather.

"So you still cannot hear my name." The old man tweaked at his waxed moustache. "I am the manifestation of your spiritual power. This world, Harry me lad, is your soul world so to speak. When you are happy the skies here are clear and blue. Wonderful really. But when you are sad," a shudder seemed to run through the old man's spine, "the skies go dark and it rains. You know how terrible it is when it rains on you when your all alone. But that's not all…" the old man seemed to pause in thought.

"Not all?" Harry asked.

"We're Englishmen Harry, and gentlemen at that. What could be worse than raining on you when you're trying to have a spot 'a tea? Terribly good waste of fine tea if you ask me."

Harry sat shocked! Wasting tea, the very thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. "I'm so sorry sir."

"Not a problem lad. Just cheer up, stiff upper lip and all that." He winked at Harry. "Oh and by the way, your world seems to be falling apart. You'll be dead soon if you don't hurry it up and find your power soon. It's in this tea field somewhere. So shove along, cheerio and good luck!"

He bowed curtly as Harry tried a strangled scream, his world turning black.

The chill night air of Hogwarts was disturbed by the eruption of two distinct bursts of energy. Ichigo watched as a light flashed from the depths of the pit and landed in a smoking crater before him. Rukia smiled as Hermione's new found Shinigami powers manifested and she burst out through her body, dressed in Shinigami robes. Brandishing her sword above her head she screamed, "SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!!"

Rukia examined her inquisitively. Feeling slightly embarrassed Hermione offered an explanation. "I found it in the Mary Poppins book."

Rukia nodded pretending to know what she was talking about. "We should go meet up with Ichigo."

Ichigo stood in the clearing ready, sword in hand. As the smoke cleared he watched as Harry ripped off the remains of his Hollow mask, casting it to the ground. Successful, Harry raised his sword and hollered triumphantly, "By the powers of Hogwarts!" lowering his sword, "I have the power!" He satisfied himself with his accomplishment.

Ichigo turned around smirking happily as Rukia and Hermione joined them. He decided to ask his two students out loud, "Do you want to train to call out your Zanpaktou's abilities now or let that happen naturally. After all you have only found your Shinigami powers not unsealed them yet."

"What does it involve, Kurosaki-sensei?" Hermione cautiously asked.

"Well I chase you around trying to kill you and if you don't call out you Zanpaktou's abilities, I will."

Hermione and Harry baulked. Why did every lesson that Ichigo gave about Shinigami powers involve killing, getting killed or getting nearly killed. As one, Harry and Hermione answered, "We'll let it happen naturally. SIR!"

**End**

**A/N: I hope there are He-man fans out there who still remember! HAHAHA! Oh god, I'm starting to feel my age.**

(1) Question of interest, Smelled or smelt here?


	25. Protection Racket

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

_**This chapter is sooo wrong! Also before I forget, Merry Christmas everybody!**_

**Short 25: - Protection Racket**

Rukia bolted from the medical tower, her face a thunderstorm of emotion. Her anger created torrential rainfalls of bloodlust as she ran. Everyone moved aside giving the miniature dynamite plenty of room to move. At this moment, she owned the halls. Even the portraits hurriedly hid away behind whatever objects the artists had painted in them. Four words repeated itself in her mind, "You! Will! Die! Ichigo!"

She finally found him about to select another victim for his '_shattered shaft_' training regime. She marched right up behind him, stretching her leg backwards, she kicked Ichigo, hard between his legs. Ichigo abruptly stopped his lecture, a trail of drool dripping off his bottom lip. His knees buckled as he collapsed onto the ground. He was sure the two lumps forming in his throat had come up from deep down below, where he had been kicked. The class took a step back from the furious woman.

"ICHIGO! YOU BASTARD! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!"

"What… are… you… on… about… bitch!" he managed to gasp.

Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath. "For the past week or so my Zanpaktou 'Sode no Shirayuki' has been acting up. She doesn't know why either and seeing as the 12th Division isn't here, I materialized her and we went to see Madame Pomfrey!"

"So?" Ichigo was starting to regain his breath back.

"SHE'S PREGNANT YOU MORON! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"She's _what_?" Ichigo repeated in disbelief.

"_Pregnant_ Ichigo. As in 'buns in the oven', 'the baby drop rock', that kind of thing!" Pacing she began muttering to herself, "I should've known something was wrong. Spewing up reiatsu, being a bitch in to me, the mood swings, the cravings she's inducing in me…"

"Woah! Wait a minute Rukia," Ichigo finally stood up again. "What's this got to do with me?"

"Sode no Shirakyu has never been with anyone before. There's only one person I can think of." She poked him in the chest with her finger.

"Yuck! Rukia, that's gross. I have _never_ slept with your sword!"

Sniggering giggles came from the class. Rukia stopped this with a stern gaze, "Not you, you idiot! Zangetsu!"

"Zangetsu?" then the realization struck him. "Valentines day, the ball?"

"Yes! You made me put her in a trunk with Zangetsu!" she stomped on his foot, "ALL NIGHT!"

"Ow! Ow! Hey, it wasn't me alright." Ichigo complained while hopping about in pain. "It's not my fault my Zanpaktou got yours pregnant!"

"He's a reflection of _your_ soul, _Ichigo_!... Goes to show you have a filthy soul!"

"Wait a minute! It takes two to tango! Your soul was just as willing by the sounds of it!"

At this, Rukia blushed but she kept her face grim. "Shut up! Your soul _did not_ get my soul pregnant. It was our Zanpaktous."

"But you just said…"

"Shut up!" Obviously the mood swings not only affected her Zanpaktou. "Stupid, stupid men! Why couldn't you use protection!"

"Look it wasn't me, so don't say '_you_'." Ichigo dodged a quick jab to his stomach. "Besides, Zangetsu's not the one with a sheath. Why didn't Shirayuki use protection."

"It's the guys job!" Rukia argued, "and Zangetsu won't fit in her sheath!" She winced at her badly structured statement. " What about his cloth bandages? Why couldn't he use that?"

Ichigo stifled a laugh, "Seriously Rukia, if I got into bed with you," he thought to add, "_which I never will nor want to_,… would you trust me to wrap my uh… goodies up with a cloth wrap and use it? Would you consider that protection?"

"I'll never get in the same bed as you, don't you worry!" she assured him. "How are you going to take responsibility, _Kurosaki_?"

"Look, I'll have to ask Zangetsu, okay."

"No! You're his owner! You tell me and tell me now!"

"I don't think that's fair. I've got to ask the old man first."

"OLD!" Rukia spat at the words. "Are you telling me some perverted old man got my Shirayuki pregnant!"

Drawing her sword she proceeded to chase Ichigo around with it. Her attacks were real as the surrounding environment quickly discovered. "HEY! HEY!" Ichigo protested, "Take it easy on her! She's pregnant! She shouldn't be doing so much strenuous activity!"

"What's it to you, you bastard!"

"WHAT! Look the baby's gonna be like… kinda.. I don't know… my soul child or something right?" he managed to utter as he dodged yet another strike. "Sword baby?" she struck again. "Our back up weapon?" The next thrust almost got him, "The fruit of our Souls?"

Suddenly, Shirayuki warped her shape. She became wobbly and her colour changed to green. A splattering of reiatsu ejactulated from her tip, splashing onto the ground covering Ichigo's feet. Confused, Ichigo sprung into action. "Is she alright?" he asked as he came closer to inspect the sword. "I told you to not do such strenuous stuff! Look, she's sick now!"

"Don't pretend to care!" Rukia sulked petulantly. "Take responsibility, you big jerk!"

Her teary, doey eyed look stunned him into inactivity. Taking a punch to his head he finally relented. "Okay, okay. We'll have them married alright! Will that do?"

"I suppose so." Rukia finally softened her tone. A mischievous smile played across her face. "You have to look after me too now."

"What! I never promised anything like that."

Kicking him in the shin, she explained. "Zangetsu got Shirayuki pregnant. Shirayuki is a representation of my soul. When she's upset, I get upset, when she's sick, I get sick. Zangetsu is a representation of your soul. He got her pregnant so he has to take responsibility. That means you have to take care of me when I get sick because Shirayuki is sick because Zangetsu got her pregnant. Being his representative, you have to be responsible for his actions therefore you have to take care of his responsibilities to me for making me sick even though I'm not pregnant and you didn't get me pregnant. Got it!"

Ichigo was confused. Nothing seemed to make sense. He really wished right now that Soul Society had a way of doing Zanpaktou abortions. Giving up on the confounding logic he finally agreed. "Fine, fine. Whatever."

Satisfied by the outcome, she sat down on a rock beside Ichigo as he tried to gather his thoughts to begin his class. Right now he felt like using the last method on the students, involving stabbing through the heart. So far there had been no volunteers. Rukia started to feel bored, then peeved that Ichigo was beginning his class like nothing had happened. Her irritation rose as she suddenly disliked him paying so little attention to her.

Mustering up the most commanding tone she could, she called out, "ICHIGO! I FEEL LIKE SOME PRUNES!"

**End**

**A/N: Bwahahahaha! I set this chappie up from so long ago! It's so _wrong_ that I'm proud of myself! LOL. I can't wait till the wedding.**


	26. Heartfelt

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

_**Merry Christmas everybody!**_

**Short 26: - Heartfelt…**

Yachiru was bored. Ever since they got back from Hogwarts, Soul Society had become a place of boredom. Everything was so normal and… boring. Even the people she picked on bored her. There was definitely someone she wanted to see. Smiling she sought out the one man who might alleviate her boredom.

"Ken-chan! Ken-chan! Let's go to Hogwarts again!" She babbled away at Zaraki Kenpachi.

When she got like this Kenpachi had no way to refuse his charge. Patting her on the head he smiled slightly. "You can go and play there. I'm a bit busy today. Old man Yamamoto wants to see me. Just make sure you're back in a few days. Hogwarts seems like a safe enough place."

Grinning she ran into the yard outside and unlocked a gate to Hogwarts. She stepped through excitedly. The scenery around her changed. It was familiar yet different. She glanced around and nodded happily to herself, "That's right! I'm here, but it's daytime now!"

Running through the thick shrubbery in the Forbidden Forest, she heard voices off into the distance. It was the feel of the familiar reiatsu however that boiled her excitement over the brim. Bursting out through into the clearing she screamed, "ICHIGOOOOO!"

She leapt onto his back like she normally did to Kenpachi and noticed with glee that Ichigo was pointing Zangetsu at the class, a class that contained a certain white haired boy. "Krak Drak!" She waved at the trembling figure.

"Yachiru?!" Ichigo was surprised by her sudden appearance.

They were in their usual clearing beside the waterfall. Rukia sat on the rock, the remains of chocolate wrappers discarded at her feet. The class had gathered around Ichigo this morning and had started drawing straws for the next '_Victim_' for the shattered shaft training program. Only Harry and Hermione were exempt, having gained their Zanpaktous three days ago. Now they were simply working on sparring and unsealing their Zanpaktous. The rest of the class had been saved by Rukia's timely attack on Ichigo concerning Shirayuki's predicament, until now. Now, it was this pink haired, hob goblin that had saved them albeit not for long.

"Ichigo, are you playing with them? Can I play? If only Ken-chan came too, he would've played with you!" Yachiru ratted off.

Rukia was incensed by the scene for no logical reason. Getting up she dragged the little vice captain off Ichigo's back, much to his gratitude, and turned her around. "What are you doing here Yachiru?"

"Hi Shorty!" She pointed her finger at Malfoy and shouted, "I came to play with Mally Mally!"

"Well you can't right now!" Rukia scolded the child. How dare she of all people call her short. "Not until he finishes his lesson."

Yachiru smile turned upside down. Looking dejected she asked, "What lesson?"

"Finding their Shinigami powers."

Yachiru's face shot back up, "So if Whitey Drako finds his Shinigami powers he can come play with me?"

"Yes." Rukia nodded.

Yachiru, familiar with the various methods, drew her Zanpaktou. Malfoy looked from Ichigo to the demon then back to Ichigo. Ichigo smirked mouthing just one word.

"RUN"

So Malfoy shot off through the forest as fast as he could as the pink haired goblin bounded after him spiritedly. "Yaaaaaay! Come play with me Foy Foy!"

Rukia turned to face Ichigo and looked at him disapprovingly. "Why didn't you stop her?"

"Well, either he finds his Shinigami powers now, or she kills him. But I think Yachiru knows what she's doing."

The class watched in horror as explosions rang out through the forest. Trees toppled over and screams could be heard far away. Then closer, closer still, until finally Malfoy bolted back into the clearing. A blur later, he ran headlong into Yachiru and bounced off, landing on his bum on the ground before her. Ichigo thought to move but before he could act, the smiling assassin plunged her Zanpaktou into the young man's heart and an explosion of reiatsu filled the air.

The class fell back from the sudden outburst and looked on, fixed on the sight of Malfoy in black Shinigami robes. Malfoy stood bewildered. He looked down at his hands to see the faint blue nimbus of power surrounding his body and the rush of strength flowing through his limbs. He had done it, he had taken a blade through his heart and become a Shinigami. Looking down at his hand he hefted the weightless sword wordlessly and looked up to the face of the little terror before him. His confidence in his newfound power thrilled him as he addressed her with a menacing stare. He charged at her.

Yachiru watched the boy rushing towards her and smiled. A Shinigami for only a second and already he wanted to play with her. She really liked _this_ boy! Her vision tracked the boy as he jumped up into the air, his Asuachi (1) was raised high above his head and he cleaved it down upon her. She moved in a way she had seen her mentor and father figure move, a thousand times before. She stood there.

Malfoy laughed maniacally as he was finally able to get vengeance. Chopping downwards at the poor girl his sword touched her shoulder. The resistance of her shoulder on his sword came as a rude shock to him. His fingers bled from gripping the hilt too tight as the impact jarred the bones in his hands.

She giggled and sliced her own blade upwards, carving a neat line across Malfoy from stomach to collar bone. The blood erupted into the air in a fine mist. Yachiru raised her arms in a cross shape and spun around under the crimson rain shower courtesy of Malfoy, "Wheeeeee!"

Malfoy lay on the ground, the coppery taste of blood filling his mouth. The girl danced madly before him drenched in his blood, her eyes insane with joyful delirium. Yachiru turned to him and hugged him, feeling the warmth of his blood soak into her robes. The smell of metal and bile, left the taste at the back of her throat. She was in heaven. Jumping up she exclaimed, "Yay! Play with me some more!!"

Malfoy managed a gurgle as he tried dragging himself limply away from the fiend. She noticed him and pounced, "Don't go yet! You still owe me a kiss from before, remember!"

"Who's kissing my little girl!" The deep voice of Kenpachi boomed out.

As the whole class twisted around to face the newcomers they all took careful steps backwards away from the semiconscious Malfoy.

Kenpachi stepped forward with a crazed, overprotective look in his eye. Kurotsuchi Mayuri stood beside him, grinning at the little girl covered in blood, holding the young man close to her, "Ahhh, young love!" he sighed.

**End**

**A/N: God I love the Yachiru - Malfoy pairing, except I don't think Malfoy thinks it's a pairing at all!**

(1) Asuachi – Unnamed Zanpaktou. Soul less.


	27. Secret Weapons I

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

_**Merry Christmas everybody!**_

**Short 27: - Secret Weapons I**

Back from Hogwarts, Mayuri was happy for once, truly grateful in fact. In exchange for doing that little mission to Hogwarts with Kenpachi for Yamamoto, he had been given special permission to conduct his experiments on a few select Captains so long as death or injury was not involved. There did not need to be any of that with this new invention of his. At present he just wished to gauge enemy responses to the creation before field testing them on live opponents.

The dark, tomblike atmosphere in his private lab served perfectly to view the results. Several large monitor screens had been set up for this express purpose. Kurotsuchi Nemu, daughter by default to her father and creator Kurotsuchi Mayuri, sat at the small, leather, swivel chair controlling the computer systems behind the complex contraption controlling the screens.

A hole opened in the ground, the sound of motors indicating an elevator of sorts coming to life. Slowly, Nemu watched as another clone of her rose out of the ground. The clone was dressed as she was, the only miniskirt in Seireitei. Its hair braided back in a similar fashion. It was by all accounts, perfect, except that the clone smiled. Its eyes glistened innocently and its lips smeared with a little lipstick. Nemu didn't like the clutching feeling in her heart at seeing herself look so…. girly.

Mayuri smiled insanely, "Nemu, bring up the images of the targets!"

Nemu returned to the keyboard, bringing up picture on the large monitors of three distinct figures. The clone licked her lips. "Yes Captain Kurotsuchi." She answered with a sparkle in her eyes and a husky voice.

Then she was gone. Mayuri pressed another button and the hole reappeared, a motor audible. Another clone appeared and was given orders before disappearing. In all, three Nemu's were now roaming Seireitei in search of their, '_targets_'.

Toshiro sat under the tall tree on this, on of his few days off. The weather was warm, a breeze playing with a few leaves in the air. The sun shone brightly onto the grassy hill overlooking Rukongai. Joining him was Momo his long time friend. They sat on the picnic blanket before the lavish meal that she had slaved all morning to make. Although he would never know it and would probably finish it faster than she had taken to prepare it.

"Say ahhh, Shiro-chan" Momo motioned with her mouth open as she held out a small octopus wiener in her chopsticks.

"It's not Shiro-chan, it's Captain Hitsugaya."

Momo looked crossly at his blue eyes and gently rattled the handcuffs at her sash with her free hand. Rubbing his wrists subconsciously, Toshiro nervously glanced around before closing his eyes and opening his mouth wide. "Ahhhh!"

As she popped the delicacy in his mouth she felt a warmth rise in her chest. But it wasn't for the right reasons, it was because she had subconsciously summoned up Tobiume's power.

Nemu latched herself possessively over Toshiro's shoulder burying her head into head into his chest. Her leg wrapping around his small frame showed plenty of skin from under the miniskirt. The black thong she wore was definitely not standard Shinigami regulation uniform.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS NEMU!!" Toshiro's angry outburst caught Momo by surprise.

"N… N… Nemu?" Momo stammered. "I didn't know you were so close."

"Wha… No it's not like that. I can explain, it was so sudden that…"

"Oh! Toshi-chin! You don't have to be so formal." Nemu purred, nibbling on his ear. "You know I love you!"

"Wha… Stop that Vice Captain Kurotsuchi!" Toshiro protested.

Her hot breath blowing in his ear caused goose bumps to form on his skin. Momo, stunned, then angry, pouted. "Well I'm sorry. If you two _love birds_ are busy. I guess it's I'd better leave." She got up, turned around and had started to storm off.

Struggling, Toshiro tried to wrest himself from Nemu's vice like embrace. "Momo! Don't go! I'm sure there's a logical reason for this."

His voice froze her on the spot. Not daring to turn around, she fought back a tear. "If you two aren't… lovers… then why….?"

"I promised to have your baby!" Nemu squealed delightedly, "Aren't you excited! Lets do it now!"

"What are you talking about! I never said any such thing!" Toshiro struggled vainly as she pushed him onto his back pinning his Zanpaktou behind him.

"I don't mind." Nemu said in a sultry voice. "I'm sure your _captain _doesn't either." She had sat up on top of him now slowly rocking backwards and forwards.

"Well, I'm leaving!" Momo started to walk off.

"No! Don't go! This isn't like the normal Nemu! Something must be wrong!" Toshiro struggled to get the girl straddling him off him.

"How would you know?"

"She's not like… Hey that's not what you normally wear?"

"WHAT!" Momo turned around and stared in horror.

Nemu had sat upright, taking the top of her kimono off allowing it to drop to her sides. Unlike everyone in Soul Society, she wasn't wearing the usual strap that passed for a bra, (Or no bra in the case of Rangiku.) instead she wore a lacy, red _human_ bra found only in the real world. Seeing the struggle in Toshiro she could not contain herself any longer. Feeling the protective urge in her rise she raced to him, wrenching the girl off Toshiro, drawing her sword and leveling it at the girl. "What do you want?"

Nemu looked back at the small girl and smirked. "Do you love him?"

"Wha… I… Hey I asked you a question!" Momo uttered

"Well if you don't love him, I do."

"I never said that!"

It was Toshiro's turn to raise an eyebrow to this. Momo recomposing herself continued her interrogation. "What do you want?"

"I want him and I'm not afraid to admit it… Toshiro baby! I LOVE YOU! I WANT YOU!!"

"Shut up!" Toshiro was agitated. "Even if you do, I don't love you. Hell I don't even know you!"

Momo hid the smile forming at her lips. Her face heated itself at his cold words. Nemu seemed unperturbed. "It doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with the one you love"

Leaning over seductively, Nemu voice sweetened even more. "I could _make_ you love me."

"I… don't… won't… will never…love you!" Toshiro fought his stare.

Nemu's puppy dog eyes looked hurt as she recoiled slightly. "Don't tell me… There's someone else you love?"

Toshiro opened his mouth and caught it before he said anything. Momo and Nemu spoke at the same time, "Well?"

Toshiro lost his voice, his colour changing rapidly as he thought of ways to disappear into the picnic basket. The two girls before him watched him now, hawkeyed, expecting an answer. "Well," they repeated again.

"I… um… I…"

In a dark lab in Seireitei, Kurotsuchi Mayuri chuckled. In a straight fight Toshiro was a difficult opponent on any day, but now he looked like a child who'd been caught with his pants around his ankles urinating in the neighbour's yard. He couldn't run nor hide nor defend himself. The real Nemu watched the screen in morbid horror and fascination. Unable to peel her eyes away from the screen, she could only gape at herself committing unspeakable acts.

**End**

**A/N: An interlude in Soul Society. The seeds of destruction have been sown! Not gratuitous I assure you!**


	28. Male Excuses

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**If I miss it HAPPY NEW YEAR TOO!**

**Short 28: - Male Excuses**

Kurosaki Ichigo was not about to be denied. "OLD MAN!! YOU COME OUT HERE AND SEE ME RIGHT NOW!!"

His inner world was calm and lopsided as ever. The blue skies dotted with the occasional cloud did little to illustrate the maelstrom of emotions Ichigo felt. He waited on the side of that skyscraper for what seemed like hours before he finally lost his patience. "You come out now old man or I'll summon your ass!"

There was no reply. There was no reply 10 minutes later. Without any other choice, Ichigo concentrated on materializing Zangetsu next to him. A moment later, the humanoid representation of his Zanpaktou stood beside him, brushing imaginary crumb off his coat. "You called for me, Ichigo." The spirit manifestation stated offhandedly.

"Don't, '_you called for me, Ichigo!_' me, Zangetsu! What the hell were ya thinking?" Ichigo almost screamed.

They were both in Ichigo's inner world. Zangetsu was its guardian, but the one person it could never guard against, was it's owner, its king. Zangetsu took a deep breath and carefully considered his words.

"Ichigo, before you begin, please remember, it wasn't my fault."

"So what!" Ichigo exploded, "You were running around naked, and it just…slipped in!?"

"Ichigo!" Zangetsu responded with a little consternation. "If there's anything you should know about women, it's that you never mess with a woman-"

"So what you're saying is it didn't slip in, she jumped you?"

"NO! It wasn't like that… It just sort of happened."

"What do ya mean it _just_ happened?" Ichigo complained.

"Look, all I'm saying is never underestimate a woman. Especially one that hasn't seen a man in 150 years." Zangetsu replied as matter-of-factly as possible.

"Never seen a man…" Ichigo spluttered. "Rukia talks to Renji and Byakuya all the time and Shirayuki should know being her soul rep and all."

"There is a difference between knowing and actually doing, Ichigo."

"Difference! What the hell difference is there."

The wizened old man merely shook his head. "Ichigo… you look at those… graphically… explicit magazines all the time but you still don't really know."

"I DO NOT!"

"Ichigo… This is me, therefore you, you're talking to." Zangetsu looked at him disapprovingly.

"Fine! I'll give ya that much. But even still you don't see me jumping Rukia!"

"Ichigo," Zangetsu retorted with a smirk. "You're a deep sleeper. Do you even realize what Rukia is capable of once you're asleep."

Shocked, Ichigo could only stammer. "You don't mean… No.. Not Rukia!"

"I only said what she's capable of."

"WHAT!" Ichigo could not hold himself back any longer. Lunging at Zangetsu, he gripped the man by the throat and attempted to asphyxiate him.

"Get… off… me… Ichigo!" Zangetsu gurgled between words.

Ichigo started to choke, his breathing became shorter and raspier. It seemed what happened to Zangetsu reflected directly on him. The air became chill as dark storm clouds started to gather about them. Finally, almost running out of breath himself, Ichigo released the elder gentleman.

"Why! Why me!" Ichigo pleaded to gods that didn't exist here. "Why'd ya have to be a hormonally challenged virgin for!! Why couldn't ya be a nine tailed fox or something!"

Zangetsu sat up and eyed him, "Be thankful I'm not a fox… Do you know how many babies those things have at once!"

"That's not the point!" Ichigo hollered back.

"Look, ultimately it's not my fault."

"Then whose fault is it? Mine!" Ichigo never meant that as a question.

"Well, to be honest… Yes."

"What!"

"You see, you leave me in a trunk, _overnight_, with Shira-chin-"

"Shira-chin?!"

Zangetsu ignored him and continued. "Then you go and have a good time with Rukia. What do you think happens in here?... Our world starts turning pink and she gets flushed and feels…. Ichi,"

"But-"

"-and it's not like you stopped or complained when Rukia's bum was draped all over your knee at that dance. So what the hell else do you think was going to happen?" Zangetsu interjected.

"But-"

"And you know, what _you_ feel, _I _feel. What Rukia feels, Shira-chin feels."

"What are you saying? Are ya implying that I wanted ta… _do the deed_… with Rukia!" Ichigo's eyes bulged and his fists clenched menacingly.

"All I'm saying is that at that point in time it wasn't just you or me, Rukia was probably wanting a little… _Ichigo_, too. That's probably why Shirayuki acted like she did. "

Ichigo's face lit up with surprise. His face, rubicund by the new light on the subject. "Are you saying it was all her fault. Rukia's to blame?" Ichigo asked hopefully.

"It takes two, Ichigo." Zangetsu frowned at him through his plastic, wraparound sunglasses. "I thought you're a more responsible person than that."

Ichigo pointed evilly at him. "You're one to talk about being responsible. Why didn't you use protection?"

"I didn't have time to pop down to the chemist and buy some." Zangetsu gestured to the bleak cityscape around him.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!"

Zangetsu took a deep breath, steadying himself. "Sorry Ichigo. That was out of character of me."

Ichigo shook his head and reached into the inside of his kimono, withdrawing his wallet. From within it he took out a small, square package, clearly labeled Ansell. "Here use these next time." He handed the prophylactic to Zangetsu.

Bemused, Zangetsu replied, "We're to be married soon. Are we not. I don't think that's necessary anymore."

"Damn straight it's necessary!" Ichigo spat out, "I'm not about to become responsible for even more baby Zanpaktous! I haven't even gone to Uni yet!"

"But-"

"-BUT! No buts! You're the representation of my soul so technically you're me! And I don't feel like having anymore kids, especially not spiritual ones to a piece of metal!"

"But-"

"-Unless you prefer I bring my father in here next time and have him give ya a Vasectomy!"

Zangetsu shivered at the thought. "Very well Ichigo. You are the king of this world. I shall do as you say."

Ichigo got up ready to leave. "I have to go now, Rukia's dragging me around picking damned wedding dresses for Shirayuki." Turning, he looked at the blue, blue sky and smirked. "Zangetsu old man… It's gonna thunderstorm eventually."

"Thunderstorm? Why?"

"'Cause I gotta go with Rukia and explain everything to Byakuya soon."

**End**

**A/N: Had to get this one off my chest before I resume training the 1st SHS Commandoes and enslaving Ichigo to Rukia.**


	29. Female Excuses

**Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling**

**Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts **

**Short 29: - Female Excuses**

Rukia stood in the middle of a vast, snow covered meadow. The snow flakes slowly drifted upwards off the ground, towards the lone, silvery full moon in the sky. It was always night time in this bizarre, soul-scape, yet the luminescent white snow lit the area in an iridescent wonderland. She had visited this place many times before and each time, she could not contain her happiness.

One by one, from burrows hidden in the folds of soft snow, snow bunnies hopped out excitedly to greet their friend and owner of this world. Kneeling down she allowed the rabbits to approach her and jump onto her lap, her shoulders, her head. In fact they perched any place possible on her tiny frame. She squealed delightedly as she began to pet and play with all the animals.

"Welcome home," a smooth female voice echoed through the atmosphere.

Rukia turned her face upwards to stare at the short, icy white haired woman walking towards her. Her large cloak completely drowning out any semblance of feminine shape, making her look like some sort of white, walking bell. Her only other distinguishing features were her deep ruby eyes and a pair of long, slender bunny ears protruding from her head.

"You… You… How could you, Shirayuki!" Rukia spluttered at her soul representative.

"How could I what?" Sode no Shirayuki replied testily.

"How could you be so cheap!" Rukia soundly punched her in the head.

"CHEAP!" Shirayuki hollered back as she kicked Rukia in the shins. "I was only doing what you felt like doing. It's not my fault, it's yours!"

"MY FAULT! How does that work! You're the one that got pregnant!"

"It only happened because you _wanted_ it to happen!"

The two stood glaring at each other, barely an inch apart at the forehead. The atmosphere thickening by the second as dark rainclouds gathered overhead. Sensing the impending outburst, the bunnies all scattered for the safety of their burrows.

"I… did… _not… _want… _it_… to… happen." Rukia enunciated every word defiantly.

"Oh, _yes_ you did!" Shirayuki retorted. "I'm your soul. Of course I know what you're truly thinking under that _prim _and _proper_ facade you put on."

"FACADE!" Rukia veins bulged as she screamed. "You dare say I put on a facade when you hide your… your… _cheapness_ under that pretend cloak of yours."

Grabbing the front of Shirayuki's cloak, Rukia threw the warm fabric over Shirayuki's shoulder to reveal her shiny, satin white, one piece body suit and her thigh high fishnet stockings and garter. Shirayuki blushed, a little embarrassed, before snappily rebutting Rukia, "Well, I _do_ represent you, you know! All nice and proper on the outside but naughty and adventurous on the inside."

"I am not _naughty_ and definitely not _adventurous_ on any side!"

"Oh?" Shirayuki smirked, unconvinced. "Who was it that said, '_I guess there's other ways to perform magic_'? Oh and I do love the tone you chose to use as well."

"That… That… That was an accident!"

"As was this." Shirayuki patted her stomach gently.

"How could that possibly be an _accident_?" Rukia stammered.

"Well we were both bored, what with you and Ichigo off to some fancy party without us. So we thought we'd have do little dancing to pass time. One thing led to another and, well, let's just say laying down is the only way to stand up in Ichigo's world."

"So you did it in his world?" Rukia asked, shocked. "How could you! How could you go to his place only after the first time you guys have ever met?! How could you be so _easy!_"

"I was not EASY!" Shirayuki protested loudly. "If you hadn't started feeling all _romantic_ and _lovey-dovey_, nothing would've happened in here!"

"Oh, so it's _my _fault now is it?" Rukia asked sarcastically.

"Look!" Shirayuki thumped Rukia soundly on the head. "We were just dancing like you were. But then you started feeling giddy around Ichigo. What you feel, I feel. So when you bare your soul to Ichigo, in here, you _literally_ bare your soul. Then one thing led to another…"

Rukia's eyes narrowed dangerously. "So you magically became naked all of a sudden."

"That's right. Then Zangetsu thought to cover me up with his cloak. I guess we must've got too close, so then…"

"He jumped you?"

"Jumped?"

"He made the first move?" Rukia's expression changed to one of hope.

Shirayuki thought about this for a moment before finally answering the impatient Rukia. "Yes."

"So it's all his fault?"

Shirayuki smirked. An evil idea entered her thoughts. "Damn straight it was all his fault!"

"I thought so!" Rukia jumped up excitedly. Clenching her fist before her she continued, "That Ichigo! I'm going to make him pay! I knew it was all his fault all along!"

"That's right! It's all him and that damn pervert, Zangetsu's fault." Shirayuki happily agreed.

"You just can't trust men to keep their hands to themselves!"

"Especially around a gorgeous woman."

"Bastard! Just because you're naked doesn't mean anything."

"That's right! Damn that Zangetsu! Make him and Ichigo pay!"

"How?"

"It's their fault so make them look after us." Shirayuki pondered how for a moment, "for example, I have a craving-"

"-for prunes!" Rukia interjected.

Smiling, Shirayuki continued the line of thought. "And some chocolate chip cookies."

"And some ice cream with strawberries."

"That's right! That'll teach them! Making us feel sick every morning. The sore nipples, the damned cravings, the bloody mood swings!"

"I'm going to work him like a slave!" Rukia's eyes gleamed mischievously. "What else can we do to them?"

"Hit 'em where it hurts." Shirayuki met Rukia's eyes with a twinkle of her own. "In the wallet!"

"That's right!" Rukia joyfully replied. "I'll make him buy us all those bunny plushies that tight ass, skinflint Ichigo always refused."

"Make sure my wedding ring is _expensive_, very, very _expensive_!"

"You bet. After all we _both _deserve it!"

**End**

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took a while to come out. I've been busy lately and work just started again and it's been draining. Bear with me as I have not given up and am slowly getting back into the rhythm of life after holidays.**


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